Thursday, November 12, 2009
Food
I lose my faith in humanity every time I walk down the street and see someone taking a false breath. Someone uttering a fake word. Someone saying anything other than what is really on their mind, and that my friends, is, and forever will be, "I could really use some Subway right now".
Friday, October 2, 2009
I'm terrified
because this is something I could fail at. And if I do in fact fail, I am not only wasting a lot of time but also a lot of money. But mostly I'm wasting time. Mostly I will have wasted time. I will have wasted the roughly 15 precious nights that could have been filled with late night talks, trips to Bloomington Bagel, and movie marathons, to instead, camp out in the library with my nose in that god damned Kaplan GRE Psychology Preparation book. For christ's sake it's been like a bible.
If I fail I'm not sure where I'll go from there (well actually I do because I have a back up plan, but mentally I do not know where I'll go from there). I'm not sure how I will react or what I will do because I really am completely and utterly in the dark about it. I'm not sure how it will make me feel, because I've never really failed before, and that's not to say I'm good at everything, but that instead I only do things I am good at.
I've never really gone out on a limb before and tried to do something I wasn't good at, because I figured if I sucked at it, or if it was going to take too much work, I just wouldn't enjoy it.
The closest I've come is when I auditioned for the music school and did not get in, but quickly decided that it was a relief because it wasn't what I really wanted to do anyway. (which still remains legit I'd say, but sometimes I wonder...)
I don't want to do that with this. I don't want to spend all this money taking these tests and all this time studying for them and put all this energy into it, and then not get in and say "It wasn't what I wanted anyway". NO. I want to feel this all the way through. If I fail I want to be devastated, and I want to try again.
This is why I'm terrified, because for once I am standing up to myself. I'm terrified of failing, and I'm terrified of being devastated.
If I fail I'm not sure where I'll go from there (well actually I do because I have a back up plan, but mentally I do not know where I'll go from there). I'm not sure how I will react or what I will do because I really am completely and utterly in the dark about it. I'm not sure how it will make me feel, because I've never really failed before, and that's not to say I'm good at everything, but that instead I only do things I am good at.
I've never really gone out on a limb before and tried to do something I wasn't good at, because I figured if I sucked at it, or if it was going to take too much work, I just wouldn't enjoy it.
The closest I've come is when I auditioned for the music school and did not get in, but quickly decided that it was a relief because it wasn't what I really wanted to do anyway. (which still remains legit I'd say, but sometimes I wonder...)
I don't want to do that with this. I don't want to spend all this money taking these tests and all this time studying for them and put all this energy into it, and then not get in and say "It wasn't what I wanted anyway". NO. I want to feel this all the way through. If I fail I want to be devastated, and I want to try again.
This is why I'm terrified, because for once I am standing up to myself. I'm terrified of failing, and I'm terrified of being devastated.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
It happened
I had hoped it would happen. I'm not sure how long I thought it would take, but I know that I was pretty sure it was never really going to fully happen anyway, maybe just in bits and pieces. Maybe little by little everything, every feeling, every memory, would start to fade away enough that I would soon succumb to not caring. I hoped for years that the pain would go away. It kept coming in and out and teasing me and bullying me. And then, on the most unlikely of all days, on a day similar to a day 4 months prior where a simple phone call left me in tears, I saw what I had been afraid to see for over 7 years, and I didn't care at all. There were no tears, no compulsive mouse clicks, no "Oh my god!"'s. There was none of that. Sure there was curiosity, a little bit of intrigue, but no more reaction than any other finding of its nature would warrant.
What I am trying to say is that I'm on a plane and I'm over it (someone said that to me once after I broke up with them in the 9th grade and I thought it was completely ridiculous, so I'm not even sure why I'm using it now)I'm not hurt, I'm not sad, I'm not confused. I had been almost over it for so long and I just needed an extra little push to get me over the edge and I finally got it.
I can honestly say that I have fully and truthfully, moved on from that portion of my life. It was great, I don't take it back, I don't hate it, in fact quite the opposite. I will always keep it special and safe in my heart and I will continue to care about it, but gone are the days where I will sit up at night stressing over it. I have moved on, and man it feels great.
Seth Cohen wouldn't give up, but he would know when to move on.
What I am trying to say is that I'm on a plane and I'm over it (someone said that to me once after I broke up with them in the 9th grade and I thought it was completely ridiculous, so I'm not even sure why I'm using it now)I'm not hurt, I'm not sad, I'm not confused. I had been almost over it for so long and I just needed an extra little push to get me over the edge and I finally got it.
I can honestly say that I have fully and truthfully, moved on from that portion of my life. It was great, I don't take it back, I don't hate it, in fact quite the opposite. I will always keep it special and safe in my heart and I will continue to care about it, but gone are the days where I will sit up at night stressing over it. I have moved on, and man it feels great.
Seth Cohen wouldn't give up, but he would know when to move on.
Monday, August 10, 2009
There Are Places I Remember
I've spent 5 summers of my life among the birch trees of birch lake (though that's not actually true because there are hardly any birch trees at camp, but there used to be? I think?)and every summer is a little bit different, understandably. I left Camp Tannadoonah twice as a camper and never thought twice about it. I left it the first time as a counselor in 2007 2 weeks early, and didn't much care about coming back to it, and then I left it in 2008 and knew I would die if I didn't return.
And now, it's 2009 and I've left it again.
There are places I remember, like my basement back on Sapphire Drive where Christine and I used to roller skate to The Lion King, and Encore, with all it's 90's neon colors and dark corners. These places hold special places in my heart, but Tannadoonah holds an extra special one. It's a place I will truly remember and honestly never forget. I will never forget the details of the woodwork in Morris Lodge or the way the puddles form along the grass right after it rains. I will never forget the camper's who have touched me more than I've touched them, or the people who were there for me along the way.
I used to talk about finding a love that transcends all that I've known of myself, of finding myself at home in another person, and though at times it seemed the search would never come to a conclusion, Tannadoonah concluded the search for me. I think it's safe to say that I gave Tannadoonah 5 years of dedication and in return it gave me a love I never thought I was worthy of. It gave me the hope I'm always searching for and handlebars to grip on to.
And though this love is set further away than both of us would like it to be, I know that it won't fail. I've put all my strength in this and I truly believe that if 2 people can devote their heart to something, there's no way it can fall short of wonderful. And so I'm holding on. I'm holding on blindly, but its so tightly that my future doesn't care where it's going, as long as it knows that that love will never die. And I hope to Lindsay it doesn't.
And now, it's 2009 and I've left it again.
There are places I remember, like my basement back on Sapphire Drive where Christine and I used to roller skate to The Lion King, and Encore, with all it's 90's neon colors and dark corners. These places hold special places in my heart, but Tannadoonah holds an extra special one. It's a place I will truly remember and honestly never forget. I will never forget the details of the woodwork in Morris Lodge or the way the puddles form along the grass right after it rains. I will never forget the camper's who have touched me more than I've touched them, or the people who were there for me along the way.
I used to talk about finding a love that transcends all that I've known of myself, of finding myself at home in another person, and though at times it seemed the search would never come to a conclusion, Tannadoonah concluded the search for me. I think it's safe to say that I gave Tannadoonah 5 years of dedication and in return it gave me a love I never thought I was worthy of. It gave me the hope I'm always searching for and handlebars to grip on to.
And though this love is set further away than both of us would like it to be, I know that it won't fail. I've put all my strength in this and I truly believe that if 2 people can devote their heart to something, there's no way it can fall short of wonderful. And so I'm holding on. I'm holding on blindly, but its so tightly that my future doesn't care where it's going, as long as it knows that that love will never die. And I hope to Lindsay it doesn't.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Daydreams
Is it weird that more often than not when I have daydreams they're about people dying? It's always that someone close to me dies and everyone around them turns to Humpty Dumpty and instead of ME being the one whose mourning, I'm the one putting everyone else back together. I feel like so much of my life is about putting other people back together, and most times there isn't anyone to do the same for me.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Who you trying to fool?
You're gonna fall apart
It's gonna break your heart
You're gonna know that you were wrong
Down to the boatyard you'll run
Like you did at your graduation
You're gonna miss her when she's gone
Who you trying to fool?
(Brett Dennen, "When She's Gone")
It's gonna break your heart
You're gonna know that you were wrong
Down to the boatyard you'll run
Like you did at your graduation
You're gonna miss her when she's gone
Who you trying to fool?
(Brett Dennen, "When She's Gone")
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
A Chaser
I'm starting to realize how truly different the things I want and the things I need are, and that they sometimes overlap, but often times do not. And to take things even a step further, maybe make this whole epiphany even more ironic, is that I desperately need things to want. I need goals and dreams and things to prey on. I need them like I need air, or water, or food, or shelter. It is among my list of necessities to need things I desire. Because when I am in true pursuit of something, when I am truly chasing and hunting the things I want, that's when I am truly me. It's when I'm in my element.
I am, and will always be, a chaser, a hunter, I will forever be chasing after some goal or anticipating some occurrence. I will always be counting down to something.
I am, and will always be, a chaser, a hunter, I will forever be chasing after some goal or anticipating some occurrence. I will always be counting down to something.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
I Struggle
Sometimes I watch these movies and when I get out of the theater or when I step away I just don't feel like saying anything. I literally have nothing to say, my mind is a complete blank which is the complete opposite of how I normally am. I walk out of these movies and I have this desire to spend the next 30 minutes in silence, just reflecting on the film. Talking about it ruins it, makes it cheesy, makes it seem more like a corporate production and less like a remarkable story that I just witnessed with my own 2 eyes.
I have always been fascinated by other people's stories. Unfortunately this fascination has taken more form in books, plays, tv, and movies, with characters far removed from me and my life, and less with the characters I see on a daily basis. I struggle to become fascinated with these familiar people. Give me a stranger, and I can jump right in, but give me a friend and I struggle. I struggle to sympathize with them. I struggle to put myself in their shoes. I struggle to be impressed by them. I struggle to understand that their problems and their issues are just as real, if not more so, than any of those characters I read about in books or see in films.
And sometimes, when it really counts, I struggle to do the most important thing, which is to care, because sometimes I'm just too selfish to do so.
I have always been fascinated by other people's stories. Unfortunately this fascination has taken more form in books, plays, tv, and movies, with characters far removed from me and my life, and less with the characters I see on a daily basis. I struggle to become fascinated with these familiar people. Give me a stranger, and I can jump right in, but give me a friend and I struggle. I struggle to sympathize with them. I struggle to put myself in their shoes. I struggle to be impressed by them. I struggle to understand that their problems and their issues are just as real, if not more so, than any of those characters I read about in books or see in films.
And sometimes, when it really counts, I struggle to do the most important thing, which is to care, because sometimes I'm just too selfish to do so.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Swimming
I get this feeling sometimes that everything within my reach isn't worth having, and everything I can't have is being dangled in front of me and I am reaching out my arms to grab it, I am swimming through time and space and I am trying to get those things that I cannot have, that cake that I want to eat, that burn that I need to feel, that satisfaction that I can't stop chasing.
I think you are truly happy when you are no longer chasing anything. When you can sit still for more than 10 minutes at a time and not get completely bored. When you're not afraid of falling down because there's something holding you up. When you no longer have to think about what has happened or what is coming next, because you're so glad about what is happening right then, right now.
Are you happy with what is happening right now?
I think you are truly happy when you are no longer chasing anything. When you can sit still for more than 10 minutes at a time and not get completely bored. When you're not afraid of falling down because there's something holding you up. When you no longer have to think about what has happened or what is coming next, because you're so glad about what is happening right then, right now.
Are you happy with what is happening right now?
Thursday, May 14, 2009
I figured it Out
I think people try to make love out to be this thing that just turns you into mush and makes you fall completely senseless into this bottomless pit where youre overcome with worthlessness. It's not though.
Well, I figured it out, Love is this thing that gives you wings and you fly away to places you didn't know you could go and you feel things you didn't know you could feel, and you are brave. You're brave enough to feel the way you want to feel and you're so comfortable you could say anything. You feel out of control and safe all at the same time. And you know that all you have to do is see that person for a little bit every single day, 20 minutes, 5 minutes even and it will make you happier than anything else in the entire world can. And you just can't stay away from them and it just keeps pulling you closer and closer. It will lift you higher than any drug and it will carry you further than any engine. You don't need money and you don't need a plan, you just need them. They are your drug and they are your engine and they carry you and lift you without having any clue.
and you don't complain about anything when you're with them because nothing could ever be bad with them standing next to you enduring it too, soaking it up together.
That's what love is, I'm positive
Well, I figured it out, Love is this thing that gives you wings and you fly away to places you didn't know you could go and you feel things you didn't know you could feel, and you are brave. You're brave enough to feel the way you want to feel and you're so comfortable you could say anything. You feel out of control and safe all at the same time. And you know that all you have to do is see that person for a little bit every single day, 20 minutes, 5 minutes even and it will make you happier than anything else in the entire world can. And you just can't stay away from them and it just keeps pulling you closer and closer. It will lift you higher than any drug and it will carry you further than any engine. You don't need money and you don't need a plan, you just need them. They are your drug and they are your engine and they carry you and lift you without having any clue.
and you don't complain about anything when you're with them because nothing could ever be bad with them standing next to you enduring it too, soaking it up together.
That's what love is, I'm positive
Loner Shoe
There's this really muddy patch of sidewalk on my way home that always seems to have a loner shoe in it, and I always wonder if the shoe just got stuck in the mud and came off and the person was just too lazy to go back and get it.
And then I wonder, what kind of person is so lazy that they leave their shoe in the middle of a muddy sidewalk just because they would have to backtrack 4 steps in order to get it?
What is this world we live in...
And then I wonder, what kind of person is so lazy that they leave their shoe in the middle of a muddy sidewalk just because they would have to backtrack 4 steps in order to get it?
What is this world we live in...
Monday, May 11, 2009
If we were REALLY being honest...
If we were really being honest we'd say exactly what was on our minds. We wouldn't live out our fantasies in secret and we wouldn't keep our hands behind our backs just because we were afraid of what we might be holding on to. We talk like we don't care and we laugh like we don't mind and we act like we're not in a hurry but we are. We are in such a hurry to get nowhere, and have all the time in the world to get somewhere and we think if we just ride it out, it will work itself out...but I'm starting to believe it won't.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Flix
So I'm sure you are all wondering what movies I am looking forward to this summer and therein after, so I have decided to compose a comprehensive list for you all. (aka, posting this to the web makes it easy for me to access anywhere)
so here goes...
Earth (now playing!)
Obsessed (now playing!)
Star Trek (May 8)
Angels & Demons (May 15)
Away We Go (June 5 limited)
Year One (June 19)
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (June 24)
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (July 15)
500 Days of Summer (July 17 limited)
Funny People (July 31)
Paper Heart (August 14)
Jennifer's Body (September 18)
Where the Wild Things Are (October 16)
New Moon (November 20)
so here goes...
Earth (now playing!)
Obsessed (now playing!)
Star Trek (May 8)
Angels & Demons (May 15)
Away We Go (June 5 limited)
Year One (June 19)
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (June 24)
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (July 15)
500 Days of Summer (July 17 limited)
Funny People (July 31)
Paper Heart (August 14)
Jennifer's Body (September 18)
Where the Wild Things Are (October 16)
New Moon (November 20)
Friday, May 1, 2009
Say Anything
There are so many times when I just chicken out and I know I should just say something and I just don't. All I have to do is open up my mouth and say something, anything really, and instead I just say nothing. I say absolutely nothing at all, and what message does that send? That I don't care? That I'm lazy? That I'm not paying attention? That I don't want it? I constantly have to tell myself to man up. Grow some balls Pauwels, just say something! Don't be a chicken! And then, nothing. And then I walk out. And then I leave. And then I come home and I write a blog about it instead of actually living it. I wish for it instead of enjoy it.
I wish I had said something.
I wish I had said something.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Electric
Lately I've been thinking a lot about electricity. Not so much about like outlets or light bulbs or kites being flown in the sky by old men with spectacles....not that kind of electricity. More like, the kind of electricity that exists between 2 people.
I consider electricity to be one of the most important factors of attraction. There are people in your life whom you will meet that you are simply drawn to by these forces completely outside of your own body. It's like something in them is pulling you closer, and something in you, which you don't even know exists, is pulling them closer. And it's just all so electric. It feels like a lightning bolt is shooting sparks back and forth between your chests, and you almost can't pull away. The force is too strong, and you aren't strong enough to overcome it. And you aren't able to hide the things you want to hide, and you can't say the things you want to say. You do the things you want to do because you want to do them, or you don't do them because the electricity is too intense it makes you nervous.
And even if these forces are working against the 2 people for example one is unable to hide things they want to hide while the other can't say things they want to say...which would cause some conflict, it still is undeniable that there is electricity. You both feel it, and you both can't move yourselves from that position. You have to have someone or something physically draw you away, because if it were up to you, you'd never move, you'd never leave.
Electric
I can feel it closing up
The space between
Forces inside of us
Pulling me to you
And pulling you to me
Across the room
Our eyes meet
Boy and girl
Trying to fight the force
The electricity
Feet move forward
We can only obey
Hands reach out
We do the things we want to do
We can’t fight it
Even if it’s wrong
We can’t fight it
Say what you want to say
Hide what you’re too afraid to say
It's out of our control
The words exchanged
The smiles given
It’s undeniable
Nothing can tear apart
The electricity
When I’m standing
With you
The electricity
Takes hold
Of everything.
I consider electricity to be one of the most important factors of attraction. There are people in your life whom you will meet that you are simply drawn to by these forces completely outside of your own body. It's like something in them is pulling you closer, and something in you, which you don't even know exists, is pulling them closer. And it's just all so electric. It feels like a lightning bolt is shooting sparks back and forth between your chests, and you almost can't pull away. The force is too strong, and you aren't strong enough to overcome it. And you aren't able to hide the things you want to hide, and you can't say the things you want to say. You do the things you want to do because you want to do them, or you don't do them because the electricity is too intense it makes you nervous.
And even if these forces are working against the 2 people for example one is unable to hide things they want to hide while the other can't say things they want to say...which would cause some conflict, it still is undeniable that there is electricity. You both feel it, and you both can't move yourselves from that position. You have to have someone or something physically draw you away, because if it were up to you, you'd never move, you'd never leave.
Electric
I can feel it closing up
The space between
Forces inside of us
Pulling me to you
And pulling you to me
Across the room
Our eyes meet
Boy and girl
Trying to fight the force
The electricity
Feet move forward
We can only obey
Hands reach out
We do the things we want to do
We can’t fight it
Even if it’s wrong
We can’t fight it
Say what you want to say
Hide what you’re too afraid to say
It's out of our control
The words exchanged
The smiles given
It’s undeniable
Nothing can tear apart
The electricity
When I’m standing
With you
The electricity
Takes hold
Of everything.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
I am a fan of Mysteries
I'm not a fan of fake things, things that pretend to be one thing and end up being something else, but I am a fan of mysteries. I'm a fan of those things that you can reexamine a million times, and never feel like you fully understand. Those things you can't wait to come back to, to spend time with, that take your breath away. I can't keep myself away from these things and these people.
I surprise myself with the way I act sometimes. I've always had this belief that all the things I want in life are all within my reach, mostly because they have been. As a kid I always got exactly what I wanted. I was stubborn and would cry if I didn't get my way, but now, I'm surprised at what I can do to seal the deal sometimes. It rarely ever takes crying, just some good honest perseverance.
And how honest I can make it all seem...because to me it isn't just about getting what I want, it's about conquering the rough times, about sticking with it, about not giving up hope.
And let's be honest, if hope is involved, you know I'm up for the challenge.
I surprise myself with the way I act sometimes. I've always had this belief that all the things I want in life are all within my reach, mostly because they have been. As a kid I always got exactly what I wanted. I was stubborn and would cry if I didn't get my way, but now, I'm surprised at what I can do to seal the deal sometimes. It rarely ever takes crying, just some good honest perseverance.
And how honest I can make it all seem...because to me it isn't just about getting what I want, it's about conquering the rough times, about sticking with it, about not giving up hope.
And let's be honest, if hope is involved, you know I'm up for the challenge.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
It
Have you ever just felt like you NEEDED to know someone? Like they just exhibit this energy and this spark of life that you can't help but want to be close to them?
I can't help myself.
I can't help myself.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
What You Didn't Know
There are aspects of my life that no one really knows about. There are secrets that I keep from friends, and secrets that I keep from family. Some of these secrets overlap, some do not.
I do not accurately know the point of being too open, or being too closed. Sometimes people say I'm too open, but most that truly know me say I'm too closed. And if they don't know that, then they don't really know me.
Some people know a lot about me, and others don't, and for now, that's ok. This is how I like it. I like to surprise some and shock others. If people knew my secrets, they would get too cocky, too ahead of themselves when dealing with me. They might start to think they have a chance at understanding..when really, they don't.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgsT-klFnXY
I do not accurately know the point of being too open, or being too closed. Sometimes people say I'm too open, but most that truly know me say I'm too closed. And if they don't know that, then they don't really know me.
Some people know a lot about me, and others don't, and for now, that's ok. This is how I like it. I like to surprise some and shock others. If people knew my secrets, they would get too cocky, too ahead of themselves when dealing with me. They might start to think they have a chance at understanding..when really, they don't.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgsT-klFnXY
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Current Events
I know you are all curious about what's going on in my life, so here is a random compilation of useless information.
1. Little 500 is coming up soon, and I am getting so pumped for it. I am determined to make it the best Little 500 I've celebrated yet! (shouldn't be too hard)
2. I really just wish it was summer.
3. I really can't wait for camp this year.
4. I want to see the movies 500 Days of Summer,Away We Go and Harry Potter 6 Check out the trailors @ imdb.com
5. I schedule on Monday, and Jenny and I are signing up for tennis, so jacked!
6. Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson (gag) broke up recently! Sorry for Lindsay, :( but lucky for me ;-) haha, jk...well sort of
7. I have made this list of music I need to download, but haven't made much headway on it. Some of the artists include: Sigur Ros, The Flaming Lips, The National, Bob Dylan, The Decemberists, The Ting Tings, Carolina Liar, Angels & Thieves.
8. I am in love with Woodchuck.
This is really all I've got right now. I am also happy to report that I love life. I'm not sure I've ever been happier than I am right now.
1. Little 500 is coming up soon, and I am getting so pumped for it. I am determined to make it the best Little 500 I've celebrated yet! (shouldn't be too hard)
2. I really just wish it was summer.
3. I really can't wait for camp this year.
4. I want to see the movies 500 Days of Summer,Away We Go and Harry Potter 6 Check out the trailors @ imdb.com
5. I schedule on Monday, and Jenny and I are signing up for tennis, so jacked!
6. Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson (gag) broke up recently! Sorry for Lindsay, :( but lucky for me ;-) haha, jk...well sort of
7. I have made this list of music I need to download, but haven't made much headway on it. Some of the artists include: Sigur Ros, The Flaming Lips, The National, Bob Dylan, The Decemberists, The Ting Tings, Carolina Liar, Angels & Thieves.
8. I am in love with Woodchuck.
This is really all I've got right now. I am also happy to report that I love life. I'm not sure I've ever been happier than I am right now.
Friday, April 3, 2009
I guess I'll wait
I knew it was just a matter of time for the bottom to fall out. I knew I just had to wait and it would happen without my really having to do anything. I felt only lukewarm about it for so long, which meant that it wasn't going to work. It's exactly what I was talking about a couple posts ago. I know I want to really feel things. For any normal person what we had would have been good and would have been enough but not for me. For me it has to extend far beyond just "good" and far beyond "enough". My expectations are so high, because they have to be. Honestly if I don't feel it in the first 5 minutes, I'm probably never going to feel it, and that's just a fact. It just has to be something so much deeper, so much more meaningful. It has to be so real and so undeniable that it slaps me in the face. That's just the way I am.
According to Copeland there's a love out there that transcends all that we know of ourselves....and I'm going to wait for that to come. I just have to be honest about what I need and what I want. I just have to keep holding on to hope that someday life will be amazing.
According to Copeland there's a love out there that transcends all that we know of ourselves....and I'm going to wait for that to come. I just have to be honest about what I need and what I want. I just have to keep holding on to hope that someday life will be amazing.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Across the Track Blues
In all the years I was in Jazz band, which was only 3, I only ever had one solo. It was my senior year and we played this song called "Across the Track Blues", which just tied in the year quite nicely as our marching show the fall before was 'All Aboard' (we're from Elkhart, we like trains).
When other kids were raising their hands begging for solos, I always kept my hands as close to the ground as possible. When the directors were looking through the group and choosing who they wanted to solo, their eyes never even went in my direction. I think it was just kind of this nice understanding I had with the directors, that I was no good at soloing, so they never called on me. To be completely honest, I really was no good at Jazz band. My place in the group was to serve as more of a leader, a good example, or a performer when it came to doing the stage stuff. I was a good poster face for the group, but definitely wasn't one of the better musicians on my instrument. I think everyone just agreed that I was better on the clarinet than on the saxophone, and that I was more of a concert band player than a jazz cat.
So it comes as no surprise to me that the one solo I did play, was on my clarinet. I had been dreaming of a jazz clarinet solo, and senior year I finally got one. We only ever performed the song once. Sadly I think the reason could have been that Mr. Peterson was worried my solo was just never consistent. Idk, it's whatever. It's probably better that way because I get totally freaked out when I have to solo.
We performed the song at a festival in Michigan State. I remember playing my solo the best I'd ever played it with the band, which was gratifying enough for me. I had to stand up when I played, which meant my legs were shaking, and I remember my parents were there. Afterwards our clinician was talking to us, giving us tips, blah blah....he did this sort of informally where all of our families and friends were also standing in this open foyer type thing, and then all of the sudden he asked "oh and who played that clarinet solo?" Reluctantly, I raised my hand. He was going to tell me I was out of tune the entire time, I just knew it. He was going to tell me I needed to work on it hardcore or else i would be ruining clarinet jazz solos for the entire jazz world..........but to my surprise, instead of telling me I sucked at life, the large Louis Armstrong looking man said to me with a big old smile on his face and a continual nodding of his head "That was reaaaal niiiiice, very niiiiice" And I blushed and everyone looked at me, and I remembered hoping my dad had heard it because I knew he'd be so happy.
The reason I bring all of this up is because #1, I was listening to Johnny Hodges and heard the song I had to do for my transcription project in jazz band senior year, and #2....because it's one of the only things in my life I can remember really enjoying that I wasn't that good at.
Usually I only ever do things if I'm good at them, or if in a short period of time I could be good at them. This has something to do with my very conscious desire to not want to look stupid and or to seem hopeless.
Do things because you love them, and not just because you look good doing them. I have had to figure this out the hard way, and it's biting me in the butt.
Here's the youtube link to the song, though it is not us playing it (we sounded much better)...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttJjdLvQrMQ
the girl kind of fucks it up at the end of the first part
when the saxs have their section the balance is way off
...and when she plays the high f# in the 2nd part it doesn't sound great at all, nor does the 2nd part in general, haha
When other kids were raising their hands begging for solos, I always kept my hands as close to the ground as possible. When the directors were looking through the group and choosing who they wanted to solo, their eyes never even went in my direction. I think it was just kind of this nice understanding I had with the directors, that I was no good at soloing, so they never called on me. To be completely honest, I really was no good at Jazz band. My place in the group was to serve as more of a leader, a good example, or a performer when it came to doing the stage stuff. I was a good poster face for the group, but definitely wasn't one of the better musicians on my instrument. I think everyone just agreed that I was better on the clarinet than on the saxophone, and that I was more of a concert band player than a jazz cat.
So it comes as no surprise to me that the one solo I did play, was on my clarinet. I had been dreaming of a jazz clarinet solo, and senior year I finally got one. We only ever performed the song once. Sadly I think the reason could have been that Mr. Peterson was worried my solo was just never consistent. Idk, it's whatever. It's probably better that way because I get totally freaked out when I have to solo.
We performed the song at a festival in Michigan State. I remember playing my solo the best I'd ever played it with the band, which was gratifying enough for me. I had to stand up when I played, which meant my legs were shaking, and I remember my parents were there. Afterwards our clinician was talking to us, giving us tips, blah blah....he did this sort of informally where all of our families and friends were also standing in this open foyer type thing, and then all of the sudden he asked "oh and who played that clarinet solo?" Reluctantly, I raised my hand. He was going to tell me I was out of tune the entire time, I just knew it. He was going to tell me I needed to work on it hardcore or else i would be ruining clarinet jazz solos for the entire jazz world..........but to my surprise, instead of telling me I sucked at life, the large Louis Armstrong looking man said to me with a big old smile on his face and a continual nodding of his head "That was reaaaal niiiiice, very niiiiice" And I blushed and everyone looked at me, and I remembered hoping my dad had heard it because I knew he'd be so happy.
The reason I bring all of this up is because #1, I was listening to Johnny Hodges and heard the song I had to do for my transcription project in jazz band senior year, and #2....because it's one of the only things in my life I can remember really enjoying that I wasn't that good at.
Usually I only ever do things if I'm good at them, or if in a short period of time I could be good at them. This has something to do with my very conscious desire to not want to look stupid and or to seem hopeless.
Do things because you love them, and not just because you look good doing them. I have had to figure this out the hard way, and it's biting me in the butt.
Here's the youtube link to the song, though it is not us playing it (we sounded much better)...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttJjdLvQrMQ
the girl kind of fucks it up at the end of the first part
when the saxs have their section the balance is way off
...and when she plays the high f# in the 2nd part it doesn't sound great at all, nor does the 2nd part in general, haha
Monday, March 30, 2009
I Know I Want to Feel Things
http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi4269277209/
This is the trailer for Revolutionary Road, and I think after I watched it I fell in love with the cinema all over again.
I once heard in a movie (London) that you remember sentences that people say to you, sentences that stick out in your mind (funny because this line was also one of those lines for me). I tend to do this most often with song lyrics, or lines in books or movies. There's a line in Revolutionary Road where DiCaprio says, "I want to feel things-I mean really feel them" and I swear as soon as those words resonated through my little laptop speakers they formed little yellow talons and ripped my heart to shreds, because I've never heard such a simple slew of words pieced together in such a way that it had that big of an impact on me. It was like my whole body froze and the whole world held its breath for just a moment, and suddenly Leo and I were soul mates or something of the sense.
I've been going through this period in my life where I've been much more concerned with quantity rather than quality, some idiotic value instilled in me at a young age because I preferred having more presents to unwrap on Christmas morning than my older sister, even if the gifts were smaller and cheaper. When you're a kid toys are toys, and I never really cared that she was getting expensive painting sets and easels while I was getting multiple boxes of Crayola markers in thin, fat, bold, fluorescent, and jungle colors. I thought I was getting the better end of the deal because I had all of this variety, but when the time came to hang our pictures up on the refrigerator, hers always looked like they belonged in a museum while mine were mistaken for pieces of scrap paper used to test the various pens in the junk drawer.
I want to surround my life with quality. I would much rather endure a single moment of the most genuine, most honest, most heartbreaking sadness than live a day of anything fake or insincere, and that's where Leo comes in. I know I want to feel things, I mean really feel them, and I know that I've never been more sure of that than in this very moment, and I'm wondering if I've felt as passionately about anything thats happened to me in the past month as I do about this silly quote in a movie I saw once at the cinema. I want to feel the kinds of things that you are constantly wishing you could write fabulous poems or songs about because they are so special to you. I want to feel the kinds of things that hurt when they're bad and even more when they're good, because feeling things only half way through just isn't who I am.
I know this all sounds kind of off the wall. I just have to hold on tight to my belief that these crazy things I speak of are more than just crazy things. That these things I babble about and wish for appear genuine and possible and tangible and significant and will speak to even just one person other than me, that they will give them something to hold on to as well because we all need something to hold on to sometimes.
Or in the words of Mayday Parade, I know I'm meant for something, I just haven't found it yet, and I need it.
This is the trailer for Revolutionary Road, and I think after I watched it I fell in love with the cinema all over again.
I once heard in a movie (London) that you remember sentences that people say to you, sentences that stick out in your mind (funny because this line was also one of those lines for me). I tend to do this most often with song lyrics, or lines in books or movies. There's a line in Revolutionary Road where DiCaprio says, "I want to feel things-I mean really feel them" and I swear as soon as those words resonated through my little laptop speakers they formed little yellow talons and ripped my heart to shreds, because I've never heard such a simple slew of words pieced together in such a way that it had that big of an impact on me. It was like my whole body froze and the whole world held its breath for just a moment, and suddenly Leo and I were soul mates or something of the sense.
I've been going through this period in my life where I've been much more concerned with quantity rather than quality, some idiotic value instilled in me at a young age because I preferred having more presents to unwrap on Christmas morning than my older sister, even if the gifts were smaller and cheaper. When you're a kid toys are toys, and I never really cared that she was getting expensive painting sets and easels while I was getting multiple boxes of Crayola markers in thin, fat, bold, fluorescent, and jungle colors. I thought I was getting the better end of the deal because I had all of this variety, but when the time came to hang our pictures up on the refrigerator, hers always looked like they belonged in a museum while mine were mistaken for pieces of scrap paper used to test the various pens in the junk drawer.
I want to surround my life with quality. I would much rather endure a single moment of the most genuine, most honest, most heartbreaking sadness than live a day of anything fake or insincere, and that's where Leo comes in. I know I want to feel things, I mean really feel them, and I know that I've never been more sure of that than in this very moment, and I'm wondering if I've felt as passionately about anything thats happened to me in the past month as I do about this silly quote in a movie I saw once at the cinema. I want to feel the kinds of things that you are constantly wishing you could write fabulous poems or songs about because they are so special to you. I want to feel the kinds of things that hurt when they're bad and even more when they're good, because feeling things only half way through just isn't who I am.
I know this all sounds kind of off the wall. I just have to hold on tight to my belief that these crazy things I speak of are more than just crazy things. That these things I babble about and wish for appear genuine and possible and tangible and significant and will speak to even just one person other than me, that they will give them something to hold on to as well because we all need something to hold on to sometimes.
Or in the words of Mayday Parade, I know I'm meant for something, I just haven't found it yet, and I need it.
Friday, March 20, 2009
You don't want to read this
I don’t know what it is about summer that reminds me of you, or maybe the right way to say it is, I don’t know what it is about you that reminds me of summer…
Maybe its just that my heart isn’t in it for the other 3 seasons. There is only so much time I can spend constantly flooding myself with memories and thoughts and pain. I can’t do it all year, but one season, I can do that. I can withstand it all for 3 months, especially if its nice out. I can keep myself busy and then spend the quiet time laying flat on my back in bed with my earphones in and feeling the breeze on my sunburned freckles.
Or maybe it’s that I’m always trying to save myself from disasters. I see them coming and I run and hide for as long as possible until I know my legs won’t carry me any further, and I just give in. I think that’s what it is. It gets far too hot in Indiana to keep running away, so I sit in the shade, such an obvious hiding place and the memories always find me. They wear Nikes and stretch for long hours before they take off, and they always catch up to me. So I sit on my lawn chair, sipping my Long Island Iced Tea which makes the memories bearable, and I just take it. I just hold on to all the pain, and I make it a part of me for that short summer. And in the summer I am active, I’m more active than I am in any other part of the year. And I think that’s why its so hard to hide my feelings from myself, because they are always coming in like out-of-towners, always needing a place to stay or a bite to eat, and I’m the only one who knows the area well enough to entertain.
No matter the reasons that I do it, I always do it. I am always falling in your trap like the strongest flypaper known to man. When we’re lying next to one another, not listening, not talking, not caring about anything but us. And that’s the way it should be. I know I want to feel things, and I want to feel them with your arms wrapped around me, with your finger tips tracing them as though they were my own. Hands, arms, fingers, the pronouns become irrelevant. We become one thing, one entity, and nothing should pull us away, but it always does, it always pushes and pulls and tugs on things that should be safe and ours. And then the weather starts to get cooler, and the soccer teams start dressing for games instead of just practices, and it becomes time for me to go away again. And I forget for another 9 months that the feelings I just felt are what I actually want, and not just some summer flu that has come over me.
I forget what I want because its easier that way.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
You have GOT to see this.
This is truly one of the most inspiring stories I have ever heard. You have got to watch this.
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/aimee_mullins_on_running.html
This is Aimee Mullins, a double leg amputee in 1998 at the age of 19.
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/aimee_mullins_prosthetic_aesthetics.html
And this is her 10 years later, after she had expanded her career to not just athelete, but also model, actor, and activist.
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/aimee_mullins_on_running.html
This is Aimee Mullins, a double leg amputee in 1998 at the age of 19.
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/aimee_mullins_prosthetic_aesthetics.html
And this is her 10 years later, after she had expanded her career to not just athelete, but also model, actor, and activist.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
What I'm Remembering I Want to Forget
I remember what its like to stand in the middle of an open field and reach my hands out in every direction and no one grabs on. I remember what its like to run down path after path, looking for landmarks, rivers, benches, trees, anything to lead me back to where I started, but everything seems exactly like it did at the last turn. I remember what its like to hurt so badly that it feels like my chest is slowly getting bigger and bigger and if one more thing happens, that little red keepsake will form a cavity, making its way out of my body.
I remember what its like to feel like I've already lost, no matter how many different attempts I make, no matter how long I practice, no matter how much work I put into it.
I don't ever want to feel that way again...
In fact, I want to come to forget the way this feels, so that I don't have to remember it any more.
Just something to think about.
I remember what its like to feel like I've already lost, no matter how many different attempts I make, no matter how long I practice, no matter how much work I put into it.
I don't ever want to feel that way again...
In fact, I want to come to forget the way this feels, so that I don't have to remember it any more.
Just something to think about.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Fate
Holy crap I am on cloud 9 right now.
I have always believed in fate. Things seem to present themselves to me in pairs. First one event happens and I say, oh that must just be coincidence, and then when it happens again, I know that it's fate. What I have noticed, is that these things always come in pairs, and after the 2nd event, it is up to me to make it happen if I want it to. I believe that fate only takes me so far, and then its in my hands.
Well today both events happened. Wow, I am on cloud 9 right now because 2 events happened today. Is that like a hyper-sign? Like this really really really must happen?
I can't believe this Monday. It will live on as the best Monday ever.
I have always believed in fate. Things seem to present themselves to me in pairs. First one event happens and I say, oh that must just be coincidence, and then when it happens again, I know that it's fate. What I have noticed, is that these things always come in pairs, and after the 2nd event, it is up to me to make it happen if I want it to. I believe that fate only takes me so far, and then its in my hands.
Well today both events happened. Wow, I am on cloud 9 right now because 2 events happened today. Is that like a hyper-sign? Like this really really really must happen?
I can't believe this Monday. It will live on as the best Monday ever.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Curing the Boredom
Thursday was a crazy day for me.
I went to the library at 1 and didn't leave until 9:30. During which I only took about 4 breaks lasting no more than 5 minutes at a time.
I walked out of that library feeling incredibly accomplished, and wondering why I can't approach more of my assignments, or just life projects in general, in such a productive fashion. I think that maybe its the fact that nothing else in the world seems to hold my attention or get me as excited as creative writing does, its true. Sometimes even people can't hold my attention that long.
I am always punishing people for their imperfections, and then loving others for theirs. This is, in fact, an imperfection of mine, to see the beauty in some, and not in others, to be intrigued only to the point of real extremities, and not the little things that we see so often everyday in books and magazines. I am bothered by this everyday monotony and I am bored with it, and thus I write off those who fall below my scale of interest or punish those that I am stuck with who do the same. Either way, to be boring and to be close to me is something of an anomaly.
I am finding that more and more by the day I am becoming bored with my life and its inhabitants and realizing it needs to be drastically changed. I need to find something to really sink my teeth into, to really get excited about...to really make a difference in.
I need to find an outlet.
I went to the library at 1 and didn't leave until 9:30. During which I only took about 4 breaks lasting no more than 5 minutes at a time.
I walked out of that library feeling incredibly accomplished, and wondering why I can't approach more of my assignments, or just life projects in general, in such a productive fashion. I think that maybe its the fact that nothing else in the world seems to hold my attention or get me as excited as creative writing does, its true. Sometimes even people can't hold my attention that long.
I am always punishing people for their imperfections, and then loving others for theirs. This is, in fact, an imperfection of mine, to see the beauty in some, and not in others, to be intrigued only to the point of real extremities, and not the little things that we see so often everyday in books and magazines. I am bothered by this everyday monotony and I am bored with it, and thus I write off those who fall below my scale of interest or punish those that I am stuck with who do the same. Either way, to be boring and to be close to me is something of an anomaly.
I am finding that more and more by the day I am becoming bored with my life and its inhabitants and realizing it needs to be drastically changed. I need to find something to really sink my teeth into, to really get excited about...to really make a difference in.
I need to find an outlet.
Monday, February 16, 2009
I've Always Believed In Futures
So some people may have found my last post harsh, but blah blah. I had to get it out somehow. Blogging is honestly therapeutic to me.
With that being said...I am having some problems with the future.
I am ok with this whole undergrad thing. Sometimes it blows ass like when I have to read stupid sociology articles that are 35 pages or study idiotic italian verbs. These things are unnecessary but I understand the point of them. I am ok with being in school for another year and finishing this one. I know I want a college degree and I know this is how I have to go about getting one. What I'm not sure about...is what I want to do after these 4 little years are up...
For a while I was set on going to grad school after this for counseling psych and being a psychologist and fixing the world one troubled teen at a time....but after 30 short minutes of looking online at the programs and literally seeing those words in print..."5-6 years to finish the PhD degree", I don't know...it just became intimidating. And typically no more than 6-10 people get accepted in each program? Whatttttt?? I mean, I probably knew that, but it never really dawned on me how hard I have to work for this. And that's when I realized.........I'm not sure if I want this. Most of the time I am a crazy competitor. I live for the rush of striving for the top, but if its something I'm not into, then I literally have no motivation to accomplish it.
What I really want to do is to help, to inspire, to make a difference, and to tell my story. I have some ideas right now of how to do this, though they are all very undeveloped. I'm not quite ready to put some of them in writing just yet.
I want more for my life than just sitting at a desk for 6 years and then doing some more sitting for the rest of my life. I want to be active. I want a life that is always changing and always exciting. I want a life where I can actively see a difference. I want to see the smiles on peoples faces take over my entire field of vision.
And another thing I've realized...I'm shy. I'm not very good at talking to people about the way I feel or the way they feel. I think this may be a problem.
With that being said...I am having some problems with the future.
I am ok with this whole undergrad thing. Sometimes it blows ass like when I have to read stupid sociology articles that are 35 pages or study idiotic italian verbs. These things are unnecessary but I understand the point of them. I am ok with being in school for another year and finishing this one. I know I want a college degree and I know this is how I have to go about getting one. What I'm not sure about...is what I want to do after these 4 little years are up...
For a while I was set on going to grad school after this for counseling psych and being a psychologist and fixing the world one troubled teen at a time....but after 30 short minutes of looking online at the programs and literally seeing those words in print..."5-6 years to finish the PhD degree", I don't know...it just became intimidating. And typically no more than 6-10 people get accepted in each program? Whatttttt?? I mean, I probably knew that, but it never really dawned on me how hard I have to work for this. And that's when I realized.........I'm not sure if I want this. Most of the time I am a crazy competitor. I live for the rush of striving for the top, but if its something I'm not into, then I literally have no motivation to accomplish it.
What I really want to do is to help, to inspire, to make a difference, and to tell my story. I have some ideas right now of how to do this, though they are all very undeveloped. I'm not quite ready to put some of them in writing just yet.
I want more for my life than just sitting at a desk for 6 years and then doing some more sitting for the rest of my life. I want to be active. I want a life that is always changing and always exciting. I want a life where I can actively see a difference. I want to see the smiles on peoples faces take over my entire field of vision.
And another thing I've realized...I'm shy. I'm not very good at talking to people about the way I feel or the way they feel. I think this may be a problem.
I'm Not Afraid Anymore
I think that a lot of my friends don't really appreciate my personality. I don't mean "appreciate" in a sarcastic sense like they don't care for it, I mean, they literally don't grasp the nature, worth, quality and significance of who I am. They don't value the traits I posses which make me different.
There are so many people out there who don't like songs because they are "too popular" or bands because they've "sold out" or actors because they "always play the same role". And when these people make comments about this, what they don't understand is they are making a judgment about someone else's life. Obviously, we are free to make these judgments, but I think sometimes people don't realize that people do the exact same thing every single day sometimes, because they know what they like, and that's what they want to do.
I eat nearly the exact same meal for dinner in month increments, sometimes even semester increments. So far this semester, it's nuggs (chicken nuggets). I went through a nugg faze last year, and then last semester I went through a nugg dry spell where I didn't eat a single nugg, even at restaurants barely. People sometimes make fun of me for this. Saying I'm cheap, or boring, or that I need to vary it up for whatever reason...but all of those reasons really have nothing to do with other people. I am allowed to eat nuggs every single day of the week, because that is the choice I have made for myself, not for other people.
I know this all probably seems pretty disconnected but it really makes sense. My weird eating habits are a part of my personality. Some people appreciate this about me, others don't understand it, others make fun of it. There is a different between not understanding something, and making fun of it. The difference is, the people who make fun of it, also do not understand it, but think that they have some superior knowledge to somehow make their opinion above all other opinion, and thus they have the right to make a person feel inferior for having unique preferences.
I know way too many people who are way too opinionated and its about to make me hit the roof. You are entitled to your opinions and to express them, but there is a point when voicing your opinions in a crowded room makes other people uncomfortable, and I'm afraid to say that often I'm number one on this list of becoming uncomfortable. Maybe I take things too personally, or I am a softy, or I think everyone is just out to get me. But what is truly so wrong with being that passionate about something? What is so wrong with feeling something to such a level, which may seem trivial to others, but YOU take it personally? What is wrong with that?
And what is wrong in my liking these kiddish foods, the disney channel, celebrities who aren't doing any good to the MPAA, trashy movies, awkward clothing items, and oversized chunky rings?
I'll tell you what...there's nothing wrong with it to me. And for those people in my life who like to poke fun at these things, and many others....well you can take your opinions and your judgments and you can eat them. Because if you were really a worth-while friend, you would appreciate these things about me. You would appreciate that I am different and I, for that split second, felt comfortable enough in front of you to be a little vulnerable and admit that I like something that is generally not well receipted in the eyes of others. I am your friend, and you should not be doing anything to make me feel uncomfortable. I should not have to walk out of a room because I feel personally attacked. I'm going to quit being afraid of who I am. I'm going to quit being scared to be myself. I'm going to quit trying to please YOU... because you're really not worth it anyway.
There are so many people out there who don't like songs because they are "too popular" or bands because they've "sold out" or actors because they "always play the same role". And when these people make comments about this, what they don't understand is they are making a judgment about someone else's life. Obviously, we are free to make these judgments, but I think sometimes people don't realize that people do the exact same thing every single day sometimes, because they know what they like, and that's what they want to do.
I eat nearly the exact same meal for dinner in month increments, sometimes even semester increments. So far this semester, it's nuggs (chicken nuggets). I went through a nugg faze last year, and then last semester I went through a nugg dry spell where I didn't eat a single nugg, even at restaurants barely. People sometimes make fun of me for this. Saying I'm cheap, or boring, or that I need to vary it up for whatever reason...but all of those reasons really have nothing to do with other people. I am allowed to eat nuggs every single day of the week, because that is the choice I have made for myself, not for other people.
I know this all probably seems pretty disconnected but it really makes sense. My weird eating habits are a part of my personality. Some people appreciate this about me, others don't understand it, others make fun of it. There is a different between not understanding something, and making fun of it. The difference is, the people who make fun of it, also do not understand it, but think that they have some superior knowledge to somehow make their opinion above all other opinion, and thus they have the right to make a person feel inferior for having unique preferences.
I know way too many people who are way too opinionated and its about to make me hit the roof. You are entitled to your opinions and to express them, but there is a point when voicing your opinions in a crowded room makes other people uncomfortable, and I'm afraid to say that often I'm number one on this list of becoming uncomfortable. Maybe I take things too personally, or I am a softy, or I think everyone is just out to get me. But what is truly so wrong with being that passionate about something? What is so wrong with feeling something to such a level, which may seem trivial to others, but YOU take it personally? What is wrong with that?
And what is wrong in my liking these kiddish foods, the disney channel, celebrities who aren't doing any good to the MPAA, trashy movies, awkward clothing items, and oversized chunky rings?
I'll tell you what...there's nothing wrong with it to me. And for those people in my life who like to poke fun at these things, and many others....well you can take your opinions and your judgments and you can eat them. Because if you were really a worth-while friend, you would appreciate these things about me. You would appreciate that I am different and I, for that split second, felt comfortable enough in front of you to be a little vulnerable and admit that I like something that is generally not well receipted in the eyes of others. I am your friend, and you should not be doing anything to make me feel uncomfortable. I should not have to walk out of a room because I feel personally attacked. I'm going to quit being afraid of who I am. I'm going to quit being scared to be myself. I'm going to quit trying to please YOU... because you're really not worth it anyway.
Monday, February 9, 2009
I will forever be trapped in a 12 year old's body
Ever since I was a kid, I have had this obsession with movies, specifically when they have mushy gushy love scenes and hotties in them. I used to tape movies on tv all of the time and would watch the love scenes over and over again. I would analyze the smile of the leading male, the way his face lit up every time he saw his leading lady. I would watch his hands and how they held on tightly to her hands, and softly to her face. I would watch every last little detail of every move he made, and then I would watch the girl. I would watch the expression on her face through all of this, always so happy and satisfied.
I'm not sure if this is embarassing to say, but i still do this today, in my 21-year-old life. Sadly enough, many of the movies I do this with are movies that only a 12-year-old girl would or even SHOULD be able to watch over and over again, movies I am too embarassed to name. My feelings on love and how it should be portrayed have gone unchanged, and I wonder if that is why my expectations are so high (it has to be).
I always expect relationships to be cookie cutter, and I always expect to get those butterflies the way I do when I watch the hunks on tv. I always think characters are accurate representations of people in real life, but they aren't. I've never met a guy that lived up to Seth Cohen, Edward Cullen, or Paulie Bleaker, but I still think that one day I could...and at least for right now I think I'm going to keep trying to find one of them.
I'm not sure if this is embarassing to say, but i still do this today, in my 21-year-old life. Sadly enough, many of the movies I do this with are movies that only a 12-year-old girl would or even SHOULD be able to watch over and over again, movies I am too embarassed to name. My feelings on love and how it should be portrayed have gone unchanged, and I wonder if that is why my expectations are so high (it has to be).
I always expect relationships to be cookie cutter, and I always expect to get those butterflies the way I do when I watch the hunks on tv. I always think characters are accurate representations of people in real life, but they aren't. I've never met a guy that lived up to Seth Cohen, Edward Cullen, or Paulie Bleaker, but I still think that one day I could...and at least for right now I think I'm going to keep trying to find one of them.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
"We accept the love we think we deserve"
(title quote from Stephen Chbosky's "The Perks of Being A Wallflower")
I once heard described in a movie that every woman has the exact love life that she wants(Wedding Date), and I completely disagreed with it. I have had so many relationships where I have been only halfway happy, and the other half was because I felt my significant other was "acting out of character", and I figured all they had to do was get hit over the head for a 2nd time, and then they'd go back to normal. WRONG. If anyone out there thinks that this is a good method to being happy...wait for him and things to change....then you are setting yourself up for failure. If you wanted to be truly happy you wouldn't put yourself through that. You would understand that you deserve better, and you would move past it. I haven't always done this but I am beginning to see why I have been so repressed the last few years of my life, and it is because I held on to this bullshit bullshit that really never got me anywhere besides sitting down at my computer right now at this very moment and writing a blog about it because it finally became enough of an issue that I felt I needed to speak out.
A good friend of my recently said that girls make all this relationship stuff way too complicated. It should just be simple. You broke up--it's over. He said he doesn't love you--then he doesn't! He didn't call--then he's JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU (haha cant wait to see that movie). At first I didn't agree. Relationships are a complicated thing, obviously, but after we talked about it for a while, I began to rethink it. I have had some pretty ridiculously complicated relationships and all they ever did, truly, was bring me heartache. All I have to show for them is wasted years and hurt feelings. And sure, I believe that I'd rather have loved and lost, than never loved at all....but in all of that time, I could have probably cut a few years down and found someone else who was more deserving of my love....and that is what girls don't understand.
If you are open to it...love will find you (Dan In Real Life). I truly believe that it will. You don't have to keep holding onto the heartache. You don't have to keep getting stepped on and put face down in the dirt(Red Jumpsuit Apparatus "face down"). We accept that love, that pain, and that abuse because we think it is the best that we can do, we think that it's what we deserve, we think that the good times with this person outway the bad, and that you'll never find anyone else who can be better. I'm not sure I've found someone who could do that either just yet, but I know I'm optimistic. And maybe that's because I have to be. But I refuse to believe that we live in a world where happiness must coincide with such pain and saddness. That isn't the way it should be.
And now more personally, on to me and my advancements....
I have decided that I am waiting for love this time. I get so constantly bogged down in these little crushes because they always serve as an interesting thing to make the time go by. I always end up getting hurt from these because my expectations are far too high. I always want something that people can't give me. If we're being honest, I think it is pretty unreasonable for me to ask someone to give me what I think I need.....but I know that somewhere out there, there is someone who is ready, willing, and waiting to give me just that.
I think some girls get so caught up in needing human heat (Frightened Rabbit "the twist"), and needing to feel loved, that they don't realize they are in a bad situation. They think they have a master plan to change their situations or to change this boy, but it's been my experience that these changes rarely occur, at least not for a pretty long time. I know this sounds like one of those PSA's at the end of a WB show where they say "If you or someone you know has an eating/drug problem blah blah blah"....but I'm being serious...........If you or someone you know is unhappy in your relationship...that should be enough of an indication that you SHOULD NOT BE IN IT. Get out! Get out and save your soul before its so far gone that you can't resurect it. Tell that person that they deserve to be happy and they deserve to be treated better...and if the things that are making them unhappy are things that cannot be easily changed, then its time to cut the chord. Sometimes people just need some advice from a friend, or a little push and they may not even know it. It's hard taking the first step...so take the first step with them. Don't let them do this alone, and if you are in this situation, grab a friend along the way, because chances are they already think your relationship is ridiculous and want you out of it anyway.
Hey everyone, it's time to get your life back. We can do it together.
I once heard described in a movie that every woman has the exact love life that she wants(Wedding Date), and I completely disagreed with it. I have had so many relationships where I have been only halfway happy, and the other half was because I felt my significant other was "acting out of character", and I figured all they had to do was get hit over the head for a 2nd time, and then they'd go back to normal. WRONG. If anyone out there thinks that this is a good method to being happy...wait for him and things to change....then you are setting yourself up for failure. If you wanted to be truly happy you wouldn't put yourself through that. You would understand that you deserve better, and you would move past it. I haven't always done this but I am beginning to see why I have been so repressed the last few years of my life, and it is because I held on to this bullshit bullshit that really never got me anywhere besides sitting down at my computer right now at this very moment and writing a blog about it because it finally became enough of an issue that I felt I needed to speak out.
A good friend of my recently said that girls make all this relationship stuff way too complicated. It should just be simple. You broke up--it's over. He said he doesn't love you--then he doesn't! He didn't call--then he's JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU (haha cant wait to see that movie). At first I didn't agree. Relationships are a complicated thing, obviously, but after we talked about it for a while, I began to rethink it. I have had some pretty ridiculously complicated relationships and all they ever did, truly, was bring me heartache. All I have to show for them is wasted years and hurt feelings. And sure, I believe that I'd rather have loved and lost, than never loved at all....but in all of that time, I could have probably cut a few years down and found someone else who was more deserving of my love....and that is what girls don't understand.
If you are open to it...love will find you (Dan In Real Life). I truly believe that it will. You don't have to keep holding onto the heartache. You don't have to keep getting stepped on and put face down in the dirt(Red Jumpsuit Apparatus "face down"). We accept that love, that pain, and that abuse because we think it is the best that we can do, we think that it's what we deserve, we think that the good times with this person outway the bad, and that you'll never find anyone else who can be better. I'm not sure I've found someone who could do that either just yet, but I know I'm optimistic. And maybe that's because I have to be. But I refuse to believe that we live in a world where happiness must coincide with such pain and saddness. That isn't the way it should be.
And now more personally, on to me and my advancements....
I have decided that I am waiting for love this time. I get so constantly bogged down in these little crushes because they always serve as an interesting thing to make the time go by. I always end up getting hurt from these because my expectations are far too high. I always want something that people can't give me. If we're being honest, I think it is pretty unreasonable for me to ask someone to give me what I think I need.....but I know that somewhere out there, there is someone who is ready, willing, and waiting to give me just that.
I think some girls get so caught up in needing human heat (Frightened Rabbit "the twist"), and needing to feel loved, that they don't realize they are in a bad situation. They think they have a master plan to change their situations or to change this boy, but it's been my experience that these changes rarely occur, at least not for a pretty long time. I know this sounds like one of those PSA's at the end of a WB show where they say "If you or someone you know has an eating/drug problem blah blah blah"....but I'm being serious...........If you or someone you know is unhappy in your relationship...that should be enough of an indication that you SHOULD NOT BE IN IT. Get out! Get out and save your soul before its so far gone that you can't resurect it. Tell that person that they deserve to be happy and they deserve to be treated better...and if the things that are making them unhappy are things that cannot be easily changed, then its time to cut the chord. Sometimes people just need some advice from a friend, or a little push and they may not even know it. It's hard taking the first step...so take the first step with them. Don't let them do this alone, and if you are in this situation, grab a friend along the way, because chances are they already think your relationship is ridiculous and want you out of it anyway.
Hey everyone, it's time to get your life back. We can do it together.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
This Is What I'm Feeling
There are people in this world that you meet who are truly special. These are the people who never get you down, always keep a smile on your face, and never let the good times end. I love these people right now, and I am having so much fun living in this moment. Sometimes I tell myself that I want different things--things that I don't have, but I don't. How could I want anything other than what I have right now? When I truly think about it. I am so happy with where I'm at. I wish I could take all the good people, and all the good times, and put them in a lock box, so I could come back to it whenever I felt it necessary.
I want to be a spring semester junior in college for the rest of my life, and I don't ever want it to end. I'm terrified of senior year, as I think many of my friends are. I just wish I could make it all last.
I want to be a spring semester junior in college for the rest of my life, and I don't ever want it to end. I'm terrified of senior year, as I think many of my friends are. I just wish I could make it all last.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Is the past the past?
From time to time the occasional blast of info comes my way, and I hear things I do not like. What am I supposed to do, for example, when I hear that someone has lied to someone else about something pretty important? What if I hold in my dear little chapped hands, a piece of valuable information that might make that victim think differently about the way they see that liar. What if what I have to say could change things? Do I jump in and say what's on my mind? Do I speak the truth? Is that helping or hurting? Is it really my business?
It is difficult to hear about people making decisions in their lives based on these lies. My solution for this: all relationships should be based on honesty. This is something I am struggling with right now. For things I have held on to and kept hidden in the past, do I uncover them now? Should I open up my treasure chest and remove the kicks and the punches? Should I bring a box of band aids and gauze just in case the pain is so terrible that my victims might need them? Or can we say the past is the past, and just let it be.
How important is it to be honest about your past, when it doesn't pertain to your character any longer? Or, when does something in your past get to a point where it no longer pertains to your character? Most people believe that every single experience shapes us into the person that we are. So in that case, isn't it always important to tell the truth about your past? Does this mean that we can't be open to the possibility that people can change? Does this mean that everything you have ever done will always be on your record, and that slate can never be wiped clean?
Oh god, I hope not.
It is difficult to hear about people making decisions in their lives based on these lies. My solution for this: all relationships should be based on honesty. This is something I am struggling with right now. For things I have held on to and kept hidden in the past, do I uncover them now? Should I open up my treasure chest and remove the kicks and the punches? Should I bring a box of band aids and gauze just in case the pain is so terrible that my victims might need them? Or can we say the past is the past, and just let it be.
How important is it to be honest about your past, when it doesn't pertain to your character any longer? Or, when does something in your past get to a point where it no longer pertains to your character? Most people believe that every single experience shapes us into the person that we are. So in that case, isn't it always important to tell the truth about your past? Does this mean that we can't be open to the possibility that people can change? Does this mean that everything you have ever done will always be on your record, and that slate can never be wiped clean?
Oh god, I hope not.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
The Mountain
I was halfway down the mountain, because
I didn't know there was a peak, but the
voices on the lift kept telling me to leap.
I didn't know what that meant, so I stayed among the
stragglers. I held on. I thought I heard a whisper,
so I skied down a little. But it was only the wind.
I wasn't feeling well, so I told the medics to
rescue me. 'You're too far gone,' was their reply.
And my knees buckled. I couldn't breathe.
Turning around to block the air, I saw the peak.
It laughed at me with teeth wide open. It's dark shadow
kept curling in downward circles. Then I realized they were rocks.
The space between was minor. And when the first rock hit
my chest blew up. And the voices said to leap, but I
kept holding on. Then I hit the bottom.
My hands were the only thing left. They were still
clinging to that rock with bloody fingers. The peak roared in
laughter. I removed one finger from the rock, and climbed back up the mountain.
I didn't know there was a peak, but the
voices on the lift kept telling me to leap.
I didn't know what that meant, so I stayed among the
stragglers. I held on. I thought I heard a whisper,
so I skied down a little. But it was only the wind.
I wasn't feeling well, so I told the medics to
rescue me. 'You're too far gone,' was their reply.
And my knees buckled. I couldn't breathe.
Turning around to block the air, I saw the peak.
It laughed at me with teeth wide open. It's dark shadow
kept curling in downward circles. Then I realized they were rocks.
The space between was minor. And when the first rock hit
my chest blew up. And the voices said to leap, but I
kept holding on. Then I hit the bottom.
My hands were the only thing left. They were still
clinging to that rock with bloody fingers. The peak roared in
laughter. I removed one finger from the rock, and climbed back up the mountain.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
The Truth
The truth will set you free....
basically that's all I really have at this point.
Also, upon reading Lindsay Lohan's blogs on her myspace page... www.myspace.com/lindsaylohan...I came across a line where she said "and if we're being completely honest..." and I was like OMG, we are the SAME PERSON. It's FATE!
If you don't know me well enough this will probably seem creepy to you. But I love her.
I just love that she is honest about her life. She owns up to her mistakes, and she recognizes that she has flaws. Maybe it is just the redhead connection, but I completely idolize her. Maybe some of her actions haven't put her in the position of a good role model, but I think her positive attitude and her perseverance towards working through the tough times does. She doesn't care what people think about her because she can't. She is an individual and that is why I love her.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Resolutions
I've never really put much faith in New Year's resolutions, but so far 2009 has been pretty convincing in my decision to start them.
When I look back at 2008 I'm reminded of many moments that in retrospect make me say "Ha, oh yeah, about that...". There were so many moments where I could have stood up and spoken out, but I chose to stay sitting with my hands folded softly in my lap. My life is much like one long game of monopoly where each player has the same amount of money. There are times when one person is ahead and the other is behind, but after just a few turns it evens out again. There have been so many opportunities to move forward and grow and gain new properties, but I always end up staying stagnant. I build on my properties, but only at the same rate as my neighbor, and I often stay in jail till long after my 3 turns are up, because I don't want to take a chance. Oh how I wish I was as likely to win a beauty contest in real life...
I don't want to be safe anymore. I want to take chances. So here are my resolutions, and some of them have already been put into action.
1. Try new things (I have recently started to pastel? I'm not sure what the verb for that is, but I have recently begun to create art through the medium of oil pastels. Hopefully some pictures to come soon...though they are basically just replicas of other artists. Also, I am notorious for being a picky eater. I will have you know that with Brandon Schenk as my witness, I tried calamari just a few days ago!)
2. Be an individual (this is an ongoing thing that I work at every day)
3. Meet new people (will hopefully begin as soon as people come back to Bloomington)
4. Reconnect with friends I've lost touch with
Number 4 is my favorite because it is probably the one I have worked the hardest on. Throughout the last few months (and even in some cases years) I have let certain obstacles come between me and some of the people that are very dear to my heart. And now that those obstacles are gone, I see how much I was missing out on. I don't ever want to let those people slip away from me ever again. I don't ever want to lose those connections. I am so thankful that I can see clearly now (the rain is gone hahaha)
I just realized that I have not done my signature "if we're being honest" at all in this post. It was sort of a joke with myself that I would throw it, or at least some version of it, in every single blog post. I guess in this case, it just wasn't necessary. (Add that to the list of new things I am trying...changing my vocabulary)
When I look back at 2008 I'm reminded of many moments that in retrospect make me say "Ha, oh yeah, about that...". There were so many moments where I could have stood up and spoken out, but I chose to stay sitting with my hands folded softly in my lap. My life is much like one long game of monopoly where each player has the same amount of money. There are times when one person is ahead and the other is behind, but after just a few turns it evens out again. There have been so many opportunities to move forward and grow and gain new properties, but I always end up staying stagnant. I build on my properties, but only at the same rate as my neighbor, and I often stay in jail till long after my 3 turns are up, because I don't want to take a chance. Oh how I wish I was as likely to win a beauty contest in real life...
I don't want to be safe anymore. I want to take chances. So here are my resolutions, and some of them have already been put into action.
1. Try new things (I have recently started to pastel? I'm not sure what the verb for that is, but I have recently begun to create art through the medium of oil pastels. Hopefully some pictures to come soon...though they are basically just replicas of other artists. Also, I am notorious for being a picky eater. I will have you know that with Brandon Schenk as my witness, I tried calamari just a few days ago!)
2. Be an individual (this is an ongoing thing that I work at every day)
3. Meet new people (will hopefully begin as soon as people come back to Bloomington)
4. Reconnect with friends I've lost touch with
Number 4 is my favorite because it is probably the one I have worked the hardest on. Throughout the last few months (and even in some cases years) I have let certain obstacles come between me and some of the people that are very dear to my heart. And now that those obstacles are gone, I see how much I was missing out on. I don't ever want to let those people slip away from me ever again. I don't ever want to lose those connections. I am so thankful that I can see clearly now (the rain is gone hahaha)
I just realized that I have not done my signature "if we're being honest" at all in this post. It was sort of a joke with myself that I would throw it, or at least some version of it, in every single blog post. I guess in this case, it just wasn't necessary. (Add that to the list of new things I am trying...changing my vocabulary)
Thursday, January 1, 2009
The Ticking Time Bomb
I hate feeling like a crisis has occurred around me, and it's all my fault. Sometimes I feel so powerless in those situations, because I truly feel there is nothing I could have done to stop it. And how is that supposed to make me feel? I walk around with a ticking time bomb attached to my hip, and I never know when it will go off. It is always some action I do that provokes it, and then the outside world has the opportunity to see it as my fault. I'm the cause, so therefore I am the one to blame.
I think there are some that see this time bomb as an accessory I don't ask to wear each day. I think some people see my pain, but at the end of the day I always feel like the bad guy. I should have this straightened out by now. I should have control over this situation. It's been going on long enough, why can't I fix it?
And that's what makes it hardest on me. I pride myself on being honest with people, and telling them how I feel even if it means it will screw things up for me. That is just the way I want things to be, and I'm okay if that means it'll end badly: as long as we are all being honest here. But how is it possible, that a simple conversation with someone else can tell me that I'm not doing a good job of that with every single person? That there are some out there who think I am not being honest, and that my intentions are a 180. This is so disheartening to me. So when this happens I eject that time bomb from my belt as fast as I possibly can, and I do whatever it takes to throw it to the opposite end of the room. I would rather cut off my right hipbone than wear the burden of that time bomb. No one seems to understand that it is simply not fair to me. I cannot get through any doorway because the bomb extends outside the frame of it. I have such a heavy weight that I carry and it keeps people from getting close to me. I will not miss another opportunity because I'm afraid that the stupid time bomb will go off. I have already missed so many.
I truly don't know what to do anymore, because that's how bad it has gotten. It's completely out of my hands, and I feel like the only way I can fix it is to sit in a corner with my hands folded slightly and my legs crossed, but I won't. I will not change my behaviors, because I shouldn't have to. I did not ask for this, and I do not deserve this, not from a piece of junky metal that doesn't know when to let go.
At this point i truly do_not_care if this post upsets anyone. I find the only way I can set this straight sometimes is to be a little cruel, so here it is. I will not wear that time bomb any longer, and if anyone tries to make me feel guilty about that, then they'd sure as hell be ready for some mustard gas because I'm pulling out all the stops.
I am not putting up with it any longer. Yesterday was my final straw.
I think there are some that see this time bomb as an accessory I don't ask to wear each day. I think some people see my pain, but at the end of the day I always feel like the bad guy. I should have this straightened out by now. I should have control over this situation. It's been going on long enough, why can't I fix it?
And that's what makes it hardest on me. I pride myself on being honest with people, and telling them how I feel even if it means it will screw things up for me. That is just the way I want things to be, and I'm okay if that means it'll end badly: as long as we are all being honest here. But how is it possible, that a simple conversation with someone else can tell me that I'm not doing a good job of that with every single person? That there are some out there who think I am not being honest, and that my intentions are a 180. This is so disheartening to me. So when this happens I eject that time bomb from my belt as fast as I possibly can, and I do whatever it takes to throw it to the opposite end of the room. I would rather cut off my right hipbone than wear the burden of that time bomb. No one seems to understand that it is simply not fair to me. I cannot get through any doorway because the bomb extends outside the frame of it. I have such a heavy weight that I carry and it keeps people from getting close to me. I will not miss another opportunity because I'm afraid that the stupid time bomb will go off. I have already missed so many.
I truly don't know what to do anymore, because that's how bad it has gotten. It's completely out of my hands, and I feel like the only way I can fix it is to sit in a corner with my hands folded slightly and my legs crossed, but I won't. I will not change my behaviors, because I shouldn't have to. I did not ask for this, and I do not deserve this, not from a piece of junky metal that doesn't know when to let go.
At this point i truly do_not_care if this post upsets anyone. I find the only way I can set this straight sometimes is to be a little cruel, so here it is. I will not wear that time bomb any longer, and if anyone tries to make me feel guilty about that, then they'd sure as hell be ready for some mustard gas because I'm pulling out all the stops.
I am not putting up with it any longer. Yesterday was my final straw.
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