I'm terrified

because this is something I could fail at. And if I do in fact fail, I am not only wasting a lot of time but also a lot of money. But mostly I'm wasting time. Mostly I will have wasted time. I will have wasted the roughly 15 precious nights that could have been filled with late night talks, trips to Bloomington Bagel, and movie marathons, to instead, camp out in the library with my nose in that god damned Kaplan GRE Psychology Preparation book. For christ's sake it's been like a bible.

If I fail I'm not sure where I'll go from there (well actually I do because I have a back up plan, but mentally I do not know where I'll go from there). I'm not sure how I will react or what I will do because I really am completely and utterly in the dark about it. I'm not sure how it will make me feel, because I've never really failed before, and that's not to say I'm good at everything, but that instead I only do things I am good at.

I've never really gone out on a limb before and tried to do something I wasn't good at, because I figured if I sucked at it, or if it was going to take too much work, I just wouldn't enjoy it.

The closest I've come is when I auditioned for the music school and did not get in, but quickly decided that it was a relief because it wasn't what I really wanted to do anyway. (which still remains legit I'd say, but sometimes I wonder...)

I don't want to do that with this. I don't want to spend all this money taking these tests and all this time studying for them and put all this energy into it, and then not get in and say "It wasn't what I wanted anyway". NO. I want to feel this all the way through. If I fail I want to be devastated, and I want to try again.

This is why I'm terrified, because for once I am standing up to myself. I'm terrified of failing, and I'm terrified of being devastated.