I Know I Want to Feel Things

http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi4269277209/
This is the trailer for Revolutionary Road, and I think after I watched it I fell in love with the cinema all over again.

I once heard in a movie (London) that you remember sentences that people say to you, sentences that stick out in your mind (funny because this line was also one of those lines for me). I tend to do this most often with song lyrics, or lines in books or movies. There's a line in Revolutionary Road where DiCaprio says, "I want to feel things-I mean really feel them" and I swear as soon as those words resonated through my little laptop speakers they formed little yellow talons and ripped my heart to shreds, because I've never heard such a simple slew of words pieced together in such a way that it had that big of an impact on me. It was like my whole body froze and the whole world held its breath for just a moment, and suddenly Leo and I were soul mates or something of the sense.

I've been going through this period in my life where I've been much more concerned with quantity rather than quality, some idiotic value instilled in me at a young age because I preferred having more presents to unwrap on Christmas morning than my older sister, even if the gifts were smaller and cheaper. When you're a kid toys are toys, and I never really cared that she was getting expensive painting sets and easels while I was getting multiple boxes of Crayola markers in thin, fat, bold, fluorescent, and jungle colors. I thought I was getting the better end of the deal because I had all of this variety, but when the time came to hang our pictures up on the refrigerator, hers always looked like they belonged in a museum while mine were mistaken for pieces of scrap paper used to test the various pens in the junk drawer.

I want to surround my life with quality. I would much rather endure a single moment of the most genuine, most honest, most heartbreaking sadness than live a day of anything fake or insincere, and that's where Leo comes in. I know I want to feel things, I mean really feel them, and I know that I've never been more sure of that than in this very moment, and I'm wondering if I've felt as passionately about anything thats happened to me in the past month as I do about this silly quote in a movie I saw once at the cinema. I want to feel the kinds of things that you are constantly wishing you could write fabulous poems or songs about because they are so special to you. I want to feel the kinds of things that hurt when they're bad and even more when they're good, because feeling things only half way through just isn't who I am.

I know this all sounds kind of off the wall. I just have to hold on tight to my belief that these crazy things I speak of are more than just crazy things. That these things I babble about and wish for appear genuine and possible and tangible and significant and will speak to even just one person other than me, that they will give them something to hold on to as well because we all need something to hold on to sometimes.

Or in the words of Mayday Parade, I know I'm meant for something, I just haven't found it yet, and I need it.