The Ticking Time Bomb

I hate feeling like a crisis has occurred around me, and it's all my fault. Sometimes I feel so powerless in those situations, because I truly feel there is nothing I could have done to stop it. And how is that supposed to make me feel? I walk around with a ticking time bomb attached to my hip, and I never know when it will go off. It is always some action I do that provokes it, and then the outside world has the opportunity to see it as my fault. I'm the cause, so therefore I am the one to blame.

I think there are some that see this time bomb as an accessory I don't ask to wear each day. I think some people see my pain, but at the end of the day I always feel like the bad guy. I should have this straightened out by now. I should have control over this situation. It's been going on long enough, why can't I fix it?

And that's what makes it hardest on me. I pride myself on being honest with people, and telling them how I feel even if it means it will screw things up for me. That is just the way I want things to be, and I'm okay if that means it'll end badly: as long as we are all being honest here. But how is it possible, that a simple conversation with someone else can tell me that I'm not doing a good job of that with every single person? That there are some out there who think I am not being honest, and that my intentions are a 180. This is so disheartening to me. So when this happens I eject that time bomb from my belt as fast as I possibly can, and I do whatever it takes to throw it to the opposite end of the room. I would rather cut off my right hipbone than wear the burden of that time bomb. No one seems to understand that it is simply not fair to me. I cannot get through any doorway because the bomb extends outside the frame of it. I have such a heavy weight that I carry and it keeps people from getting close to me. I will not miss another opportunity because I'm afraid that the stupid time bomb will go off. I have already missed so many.

I truly don't know what to do anymore, because that's how bad it has gotten. It's completely out of my hands, and I feel like the only way I can fix it is to sit in a corner with my hands folded slightly and my legs crossed, but I won't. I will not change my behaviors, because I shouldn't have to. I did not ask for this, and I do not deserve this, not from a piece of junky metal that doesn't know when to let go.

At this point i truly do_not_care if this post upsets anyone. I find the only way I can set this straight sometimes is to be a little cruel, so here it is. I will not wear that time bomb any longer, and if anyone tries to make me feel guilty about that, then they'd sure as hell be ready for some mustard gas because I'm pulling out all the stops.

I am not putting up with it any longer. Yesterday was my final straw.