I've Always Believed In Futures

So some people may have found my last post harsh, but blah blah. I had to get it out somehow. Blogging is honestly therapeutic to me.

With that being said...I am having some problems with the future.
I am ok with this whole undergrad thing. Sometimes it blows ass like when I have to read stupid sociology articles that are 35 pages or study idiotic italian verbs. These things are unnecessary but I understand the point of them. I am ok with being in school for another year and finishing this one. I know I want a college degree and I know this is how I have to go about getting one. What I'm not sure about...is what I want to do after these 4 little years are up...

For a while I was set on going to grad school after this for counseling psych and being a psychologist and fixing the world one troubled teen at a time....but after 30 short minutes of looking online at the programs and literally seeing those words in print..."5-6 years to finish the PhD degree", I don't know...it just became intimidating. And typically no more than 6-10 people get accepted in each program? Whatttttt?? I mean, I probably knew that, but it never really dawned on me how hard I have to work for this. And that's when I realized.........I'm not sure if I want this. Most of the time I am a crazy competitor. I live for the rush of striving for the top, but if its something I'm not into, then I literally have no motivation to accomplish it.

What I really want to do is to help, to inspire, to make a difference, and to tell my story. I have some ideas right now of how to do this, though they are all very undeveloped. I'm not quite ready to put some of them in writing just yet.

I want more for my life than just sitting at a desk for 6 years and then doing some more sitting for the rest of my life. I want to be active. I want a life that is always changing and always exciting. I want a life where I can actively see a difference. I want to see the smiles on peoples faces take over my entire field of vision.

And another thing I've realized...I'm shy. I'm not very good at talking to people about the way I feel or the way they feel. I think this may be a problem.

I'm Not Afraid Anymore

I think that a lot of my friends don't really appreciate my personality. I don't mean "appreciate" in a sarcastic sense like they don't care for it, I mean, they literally don't grasp the nature, worth, quality and significance of who I am. They don't value the traits I posses which make me different.

There are so many people out there who don't like songs because they are "too popular" or bands because they've "sold out" or actors because they "always play the same role". And when these people make comments about this, what they don't understand is they are making a judgment about someone else's life. Obviously, we are free to make these judgments, but I think sometimes people don't realize that people do the exact same thing every single day sometimes, because they know what they like, and that's what they want to do.

I eat nearly the exact same meal for dinner in month increments, sometimes even semester increments. So far this semester, it's nuggs (chicken nuggets). I went through a nugg faze last year, and then last semester I went through a nugg dry spell where I didn't eat a single nugg, even at restaurants barely. People sometimes make fun of me for this. Saying I'm cheap, or boring, or that I need to vary it up for whatever reason...but all of those reasons really have nothing to do with other people. I am allowed to eat nuggs every single day of the week, because that is the choice I have made for myself, not for other people.

I know this all probably seems pretty disconnected but it really makes sense. My weird eating habits are a part of my personality. Some people appreciate this about me, others don't understand it, others make fun of it. There is a different between not understanding something, and making fun of it. The difference is, the people who make fun of it, also do not understand it, but think that they have some superior knowledge to somehow make their opinion above all other opinion, and thus they have the right to make a person feel inferior for having unique preferences.

I know way too many people who are way too opinionated and its about to make me hit the roof. You are entitled to your opinions and to express them, but there is a point when voicing your opinions in a crowded room makes other people uncomfortable, and I'm afraid to say that often I'm number one on this list of becoming uncomfortable. Maybe I take things too personally, or I am a softy, or I think everyone is just out to get me. But what is truly so wrong with being that passionate about something? What is so wrong with feeling something to such a level, which may seem trivial to others, but YOU take it personally? What is wrong with that?

And what is wrong in my liking these kiddish foods, the disney channel, celebrities who aren't doing any good to the MPAA, trashy movies, awkward clothing items, and oversized chunky rings?
I'll tell you what...there's nothing wrong with it to me. And for those people in my life who like to poke fun at these things, and many others....well you can take your opinions and your judgments and you can eat them. Because if you were really a worth-while friend, you would appreciate these things about me. You would appreciate that I am different and I, for that split second, felt comfortable enough in front of you to be a little vulnerable and admit that I like something that is generally not well receipted in the eyes of others. I am your friend, and you should not be doing anything to make me feel uncomfortable. I should not have to walk out of a room because I feel personally attacked. I'm going to quit being afraid of who I am. I'm going to quit being scared to be myself. I'm going to quit trying to please YOU... because you're really not worth it anyway.

I will forever be trapped in a 12 year old's body

Ever since I was a kid, I have had this obsession with movies, specifically when they have mushy gushy love scenes and hotties in them. I used to tape movies on tv all of the time and would watch the love scenes over and over again. I would analyze the smile of the leading male, the way his face lit up every time he saw his leading lady. I would watch his hands and how they held on tightly to her hands, and softly to her face. I would watch every last little detail of every move he made, and then I would watch the girl. I would watch the expression on her face through all of this, always so happy and satisfied.

I'm not sure if this is embarassing to say, but i still do this today, in my 21-year-old life. Sadly enough, many of the movies I do this with are movies that only a 12-year-old girl would or even SHOULD be able to watch over and over again, movies I am too embarassed to name. My feelings on love and how it should be portrayed have gone unchanged, and I wonder if that is why my expectations are so high (it has to be).

I always expect relationships to be cookie cutter, and I always expect to get those butterflies the way I do when I watch the hunks on tv. I always think characters are accurate representations of people in real life, but they aren't. I've never met a guy that lived up to Seth Cohen, Edward Cullen, or Paulie Bleaker, but I still think that one day I could...and at least for right now I think I'm going to keep trying to find one of them.

"We accept the love we think we deserve"

(title quote from Stephen Chbosky's "The Perks of Being A Wallflower")

I once heard described in a movie that every woman has the exact love life that she wants(Wedding Date), and I completely disagreed with it. I have had so many relationships where I have been only halfway happy, and the other half was because I felt my significant other was "acting out of character", and I figured all they had to do was get hit over the head for a 2nd time, and then they'd go back to normal. WRONG. If anyone out there thinks that this is a good method to being happy...wait for him and things to change....then you are setting yourself up for failure. If you wanted to be truly happy you wouldn't put yourself through that. You would understand that you deserve better, and you would move past it. I haven't always done this but I am beginning to see why I have been so repressed the last few years of my life, and it is because I held on to this bullshit bullshit that really never got me anywhere besides sitting down at my computer right now at this very moment and writing a blog about it because it finally became enough of an issue that I felt I needed to speak out.

A good friend of my recently said that girls make all this relationship stuff way too complicated. It should just be simple. You broke up--it's over. He said he doesn't love you--then he doesn't! He didn't call--then he's JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU (haha cant wait to see that movie). At first I didn't agree. Relationships are a complicated thing, obviously, but after we talked about it for a while, I began to rethink it. I have had some pretty ridiculously complicated relationships and all they ever did, truly, was bring me heartache. All I have to show for them is wasted years and hurt feelings. And sure, I believe that I'd rather have loved and lost, than never loved at all....but in all of that time, I could have probably cut a few years down and found someone else who was more deserving of my love....and that is what girls don't understand.

If you are open to it...love will find you (Dan In Real Life). I truly believe that it will. You don't have to keep holding onto the heartache. You don't have to keep getting stepped on and put face down in the dirt(Red Jumpsuit Apparatus "face down"). We accept that love, that pain, and that abuse because we think it is the best that we can do, we think that it's what we deserve, we think that the good times with this person outway the bad, and that you'll never find anyone else who can be better. I'm not sure I've found someone who could do that either just yet, but I know I'm optimistic. And maybe that's because I have to be. But I refuse to believe that we live in a world where happiness must coincide with such pain and saddness. That isn't the way it should be.

And now more personally, on to me and my advancements....
I have decided that I am waiting for love this time. I get so constantly bogged down in these little crushes because they always serve as an interesting thing to make the time go by. I always end up getting hurt from these because my expectations are far too high. I always want something that people can't give me. If we're being honest, I think it is pretty unreasonable for me to ask someone to give me what I think I need.....but I know that somewhere out there, there is someone who is ready, willing, and waiting to give me just that.


I think some girls get so caught up in needing human heat (Frightened Rabbit "the twist"), and needing to feel loved, that they don't realize they are in a bad situation. They think they have a master plan to change their situations or to change this boy, but it's been my experience that these changes rarely occur, at least not for a pretty long time. I know this sounds like one of those PSA's at the end of a WB show where they say "If you or someone you know has an eating/drug problem blah blah blah"....but I'm being serious...........If you or someone you know is unhappy in your relationship...that should be enough of an indication that you SHOULD NOT BE IN IT. Get out! Get out and save your soul before its so far gone that you can't resurect it. Tell that person that they deserve to be happy and they deserve to be treated better...and if the things that are making them unhappy are things that cannot be easily changed, then its time to cut the chord. Sometimes people just need some advice from a friend, or a little push and they may not even know it. It's hard taking the first step...so take the first step with them. Don't let them do this alone, and if you are in this situation, grab a friend along the way, because chances are they already think your relationship is ridiculous and want you out of it anyway.

Hey everyone, it's time to get your life back. We can do it together.

This Is What I'm Feeling

There are people in this world that you meet who are truly special. These are the people who never get you down, always keep a smile on your face, and never let the good times end. I love these people right now, and I am having so much fun living in this moment. Sometimes I tell myself that I want different things--things that I don't have, but I don't. How could I want anything other than what I have right now? When I truly think about it. I am so happy with where I'm at. I wish I could take all the good people, and all the good times, and put them in a lock box, so I could come back to it whenever I felt it necessary.
I want to be a spring semester junior in college for the rest of my life, and I don't ever want it to end. I'm terrified of senior year, as I think many of my friends are. I just wish I could make it all last.

Is the past the past?

From time to time the occasional blast of info comes my way, and I hear things I do not like. What am I supposed to do, for example, when I hear that someone has lied to someone else about something pretty important? What if I hold in my dear little chapped hands, a piece of valuable information that might make that victim think differently about the way they see that liar. What if what I have to say could change things? Do I jump in and say what's on my mind? Do I speak the truth? Is that helping or hurting? Is it really my business?

It is difficult to hear about people making decisions in their lives based on these lies. My solution for this: all relationships should be based on honesty. This is something I am struggling with right now. For things I have held on to and kept hidden in the past, do I uncover them now? Should I open up my treasure chest and remove the kicks and the punches? Should I bring a box of band aids and gauze just in case the pain is so terrible that my victims might need them? Or can we say the past is the past, and just let it be.

How important is it to be honest about your past, when it doesn't pertain to your character any longer? Or, when does something in your past get to a point where it no longer pertains to your character? Most people believe that every single experience shapes us into the person that we are. So in that case, isn't it always important to tell the truth about your past? Does this mean that we can't be open to the possibility that people can change? Does this mean that everything you have ever done will always be on your record, and that slate can never be wiped clean?

Oh god, I hope not.

The Mountain

I was halfway down the mountain, because
I didn't know there was a peak, but the
voices on the lift kept telling me to leap.

I didn't know what that meant, so I stayed among the
stragglers. I held on. I thought I heard a whisper,
so I skied down a little. But it was only the wind.

I wasn't feeling well, so I told the medics to
rescue me. 'You're too far gone,' was their reply.
And my knees buckled. I couldn't breathe.

Turning around to block the air, I saw the peak.
It laughed at me with teeth wide open. It's dark shadow
kept curling in downward circles. Then I realized they were rocks.

The space between was minor. And when the first rock hit
my chest blew up. And the voices said to leap, but I
kept holding on. Then I hit the bottom.

My hands were the only thing left. They were still
clinging to that rock with bloody fingers. The peak roared in
laughter. I removed one finger from the rock, and climbed back up the mountain.