"We accept the love we think we deserve"

(title quote from Stephen Chbosky's "The Perks of Being A Wallflower")

I once heard described in a movie that every woman has the exact love life that she wants(Wedding Date), and I completely disagreed with it. I have had so many relationships where I have been only halfway happy, and the other half was because I felt my significant other was "acting out of character", and I figured all they had to do was get hit over the head for a 2nd time, and then they'd go back to normal. WRONG. If anyone out there thinks that this is a good method to being happy...wait for him and things to change....then you are setting yourself up for failure. If you wanted to be truly happy you wouldn't put yourself through that. You would understand that you deserve better, and you would move past it. I haven't always done this but I am beginning to see why I have been so repressed the last few years of my life, and it is because I held on to this bullshit bullshit that really never got me anywhere besides sitting down at my computer right now at this very moment and writing a blog about it because it finally became enough of an issue that I felt I needed to speak out.

A good friend of my recently said that girls make all this relationship stuff way too complicated. It should just be simple. You broke up--it's over. He said he doesn't love you--then he doesn't! He didn't call--then he's JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU (haha cant wait to see that movie). At first I didn't agree. Relationships are a complicated thing, obviously, but after we talked about it for a while, I began to rethink it. I have had some pretty ridiculously complicated relationships and all they ever did, truly, was bring me heartache. All I have to show for them is wasted years and hurt feelings. And sure, I believe that I'd rather have loved and lost, than never loved at all....but in all of that time, I could have probably cut a few years down and found someone else who was more deserving of my love....and that is what girls don't understand.

If you are open to it...love will find you (Dan In Real Life). I truly believe that it will. You don't have to keep holding onto the heartache. You don't have to keep getting stepped on and put face down in the dirt(Red Jumpsuit Apparatus "face down"). We accept that love, that pain, and that abuse because we think it is the best that we can do, we think that it's what we deserve, we think that the good times with this person outway the bad, and that you'll never find anyone else who can be better. I'm not sure I've found someone who could do that either just yet, but I know I'm optimistic. And maybe that's because I have to be. But I refuse to believe that we live in a world where happiness must coincide with such pain and saddness. That isn't the way it should be.

And now more personally, on to me and my advancements....
I have decided that I am waiting for love this time. I get so constantly bogged down in these little crushes because they always serve as an interesting thing to make the time go by. I always end up getting hurt from these because my expectations are far too high. I always want something that people can't give me. If we're being honest, I think it is pretty unreasonable for me to ask someone to give me what I think I need.....but I know that somewhere out there, there is someone who is ready, willing, and waiting to give me just that.


I think some girls get so caught up in needing human heat (Frightened Rabbit "the twist"), and needing to feel loved, that they don't realize they are in a bad situation. They think they have a master plan to change their situations or to change this boy, but it's been my experience that these changes rarely occur, at least not for a pretty long time. I know this sounds like one of those PSA's at the end of a WB show where they say "If you or someone you know has an eating/drug problem blah blah blah"....but I'm being serious...........If you or someone you know is unhappy in your relationship...that should be enough of an indication that you SHOULD NOT BE IN IT. Get out! Get out and save your soul before its so far gone that you can't resurect it. Tell that person that they deserve to be happy and they deserve to be treated better...and if the things that are making them unhappy are things that cannot be easily changed, then its time to cut the chord. Sometimes people just need some advice from a friend, or a little push and they may not even know it. It's hard taking the first step...so take the first step with them. Don't let them do this alone, and if you are in this situation, grab a friend along the way, because chances are they already think your relationship is ridiculous and want you out of it anyway.

Hey everyone, it's time to get your life back. We can do it together.

This Is What I'm Feeling

There are people in this world that you meet who are truly special. These are the people who never get you down, always keep a smile on your face, and never let the good times end. I love these people right now, and I am having so much fun living in this moment. Sometimes I tell myself that I want different things--things that I don't have, but I don't. How could I want anything other than what I have right now? When I truly think about it. I am so happy with where I'm at. I wish I could take all the good people, and all the good times, and put them in a lock box, so I could come back to it whenever I felt it necessary.
I want to be a spring semester junior in college for the rest of my life, and I don't ever want it to end. I'm terrified of senior year, as I think many of my friends are. I just wish I could make it all last.

Is the past the past?

From time to time the occasional blast of info comes my way, and I hear things I do not like. What am I supposed to do, for example, when I hear that someone has lied to someone else about something pretty important? What if I hold in my dear little chapped hands, a piece of valuable information that might make that victim think differently about the way they see that liar. What if what I have to say could change things? Do I jump in and say what's on my mind? Do I speak the truth? Is that helping or hurting? Is it really my business?

It is difficult to hear about people making decisions in their lives based on these lies. My solution for this: all relationships should be based on honesty. This is something I am struggling with right now. For things I have held on to and kept hidden in the past, do I uncover them now? Should I open up my treasure chest and remove the kicks and the punches? Should I bring a box of band aids and gauze just in case the pain is so terrible that my victims might need them? Or can we say the past is the past, and just let it be.

How important is it to be honest about your past, when it doesn't pertain to your character any longer? Or, when does something in your past get to a point where it no longer pertains to your character? Most people believe that every single experience shapes us into the person that we are. So in that case, isn't it always important to tell the truth about your past? Does this mean that we can't be open to the possibility that people can change? Does this mean that everything you have ever done will always be on your record, and that slate can never be wiped clean?

Oh god, I hope not.

The Mountain

I was halfway down the mountain, because
I didn't know there was a peak, but the
voices on the lift kept telling me to leap.

I didn't know what that meant, so I stayed among the
stragglers. I held on. I thought I heard a whisper,
so I skied down a little. But it was only the wind.

I wasn't feeling well, so I told the medics to
rescue me. 'You're too far gone,' was their reply.
And my knees buckled. I couldn't breathe.

Turning around to block the air, I saw the peak.
It laughed at me with teeth wide open. It's dark shadow
kept curling in downward circles. Then I realized they were rocks.

The space between was minor. And when the first rock hit
my chest blew up. And the voices said to leap, but I
kept holding on. Then I hit the bottom.

My hands were the only thing left. They were still
clinging to that rock with bloody fingers. The peak roared in
laughter. I removed one finger from the rock, and climbed back up the mountain.

The Truth

The truth will set you free....
basically that's all I really have at this point.

Also, upon reading Lindsay Lohan's blogs on her myspace page... www.myspace.com/lindsaylohan...I came across a line where she said "and if we're being completely honest..." and I was like OMG, we are the SAME PERSON. It's FATE!
If you don't know me well enough this will probably seem creepy to you. But I love her.

I just love that she is honest about her life. She owns up to her mistakes, and she recognizes that she has flaws. Maybe it is just the redhead connection, but I completely idolize her. Maybe some of her actions haven't put her in the position of a good role model, but I think her positive attitude and her perseverance towards working through the tough times does. She doesn't care what people think about her because she can't. She is an individual and that is why I love her.

Resolutions

I've never really put much faith in New Year's resolutions, but so far 2009 has been pretty convincing in my decision to start them.

When I look back at 2008 I'm reminded of many moments that in retrospect make me say "Ha, oh yeah, about that...". There were so many moments where I could have stood up and spoken out, but I chose to stay sitting with my hands folded softly in my lap. My life is much like one long game of monopoly where each player has the same amount of money. There are times when one person is ahead and the other is behind, but after just a few turns it evens out again. There have been so many opportunities to move forward and grow and gain new properties, but I always end up staying stagnant. I build on my properties, but only at the same rate as my neighbor, and I often stay in jail till long after my 3 turns are up, because I don't want to take a chance. Oh how I wish I was as likely to win a beauty contest in real life...

I don't want to be safe anymore. I want to take chances. So here are my resolutions, and some of them have already been put into action.

1. Try new things (I have recently started to pastel? I'm not sure what the verb for that is, but I have recently begun to create art through the medium of oil pastels. Hopefully some pictures to come soon...though they are basically just replicas of other artists. Also, I am notorious for being a picky eater. I will have you know that with Brandon Schenk as my witness, I tried calamari just a few days ago!)
2. Be an individual (this is an ongoing thing that I work at every day)
3. Meet new people (will hopefully begin as soon as people come back to Bloomington)
4. Reconnect with friends I've lost touch with

Number 4 is my favorite because it is probably the one I have worked the hardest on. Throughout the last few months (and even in some cases years) I have let certain obstacles come between me and some of the people that are very dear to my heart. And now that those obstacles are gone, I see how much I was missing out on. I don't ever want to let those people slip away from me ever again. I don't ever want to lose those connections. I am so thankful that I can see clearly now (the rain is gone hahaha)

I just realized that I have not done my signature "if we're being honest" at all in this post. It was sort of a joke with myself that I would throw it, or at least some version of it, in every single blog post. I guess in this case, it just wasn't necessary. (Add that to the list of new things I am trying...changing my vocabulary)

The Ticking Time Bomb

I hate feeling like a crisis has occurred around me, and it's all my fault. Sometimes I feel so powerless in those situations, because I truly feel there is nothing I could have done to stop it. And how is that supposed to make me feel? I walk around with a ticking time bomb attached to my hip, and I never know when it will go off. It is always some action I do that provokes it, and then the outside world has the opportunity to see it as my fault. I'm the cause, so therefore I am the one to blame.

I think there are some that see this time bomb as an accessory I don't ask to wear each day. I think some people see my pain, but at the end of the day I always feel like the bad guy. I should have this straightened out by now. I should have control over this situation. It's been going on long enough, why can't I fix it?

And that's what makes it hardest on me. I pride myself on being honest with people, and telling them how I feel even if it means it will screw things up for me. That is just the way I want things to be, and I'm okay if that means it'll end badly: as long as we are all being honest here. But how is it possible, that a simple conversation with someone else can tell me that I'm not doing a good job of that with every single person? That there are some out there who think I am not being honest, and that my intentions are a 180. This is so disheartening to me. So when this happens I eject that time bomb from my belt as fast as I possibly can, and I do whatever it takes to throw it to the opposite end of the room. I would rather cut off my right hipbone than wear the burden of that time bomb. No one seems to understand that it is simply not fair to me. I cannot get through any doorway because the bomb extends outside the frame of it. I have such a heavy weight that I carry and it keeps people from getting close to me. I will not miss another opportunity because I'm afraid that the stupid time bomb will go off. I have already missed so many.

I truly don't know what to do anymore, because that's how bad it has gotten. It's completely out of my hands, and I feel like the only way I can fix it is to sit in a corner with my hands folded slightly and my legs crossed, but I won't. I will not change my behaviors, because I shouldn't have to. I did not ask for this, and I do not deserve this, not from a piece of junky metal that doesn't know when to let go.

At this point i truly do_not_care if this post upsets anyone. I find the only way I can set this straight sometimes is to be a little cruel, so here it is. I will not wear that time bomb any longer, and if anyone tries to make me feel guilty about that, then they'd sure as hell be ready for some mustard gas because I'm pulling out all the stops.

I am not putting up with it any longer. Yesterday was my final straw.