When I Go Down

Lately I've been searching for an explanation as to why this situation I'm in is so hard for me, because it really shouldn't be. When you take all of the bits and pieces and set them down next to each other, it all makes perfect sense. I can rationalize the decision, and I can reason with it. Hell, I can even agree with it. But there are times when I can't think about the bits and pieces. There are times when all I can do is think about the glances, the smiles, and the touches. These are the things that I miss, because I wrapped my life in them so tightly.

And from this I'm beginning to understand, that when I go down, I go down hard. It doesn't matter what it is, how long it happened for, or who it involved. When something nasty happens in my life I jump into the deep end and I sink quickly to the bottom, and I never know when to come up for air. I get so used to things being exactly the way they are and change always turns my world upside down. I don't do well with transitions, and I don't do well with new.

That being said...It makes it easier when I just try to ignore it. When I just focus my mind on other things, it seems to get better, but is it only temporarily better? I feel I have no control over when and where these feelings will hit me. I could be grocery shopping and all the sudden they could take my hand and pull me to the bottom. I need someone to take me away from this empty apartment (figure of speech of course). I need someone to hold my hand and pull me to the top, because after all, I've never been a very good swimmer.