I'm gonna be honest with you, yesterday was the first day that I truly started to believe that things were going to be okay. Obviously I knew everything was going to be okay eventually, but sometimes when you're in those situations it's just hard to see the light.
For a really long time I've been toning myself down. So often I feel as though I'm just in self-monitor mode, but on overdrive. There are people I can be myself around, and people I can be a toned down version of myself around. What's my motive for doing this? Well fear of course. Fear of not living up to the expectations that other people have of me, fear of being rejected, fear of being a disappointment, fear of getting hurt. I'm just so darn afraid of what other people think, that it causes me to drastically alter my behavior at times.
I often think of myself in a binary way. I'm either this crazy, obsessed, compulsive, off the wall, fun-loving social butterfly, or I'm this incredibly shy, calm, quiet, and reserved little girl sitting in the corner with her hands folded perfectly in her lap. There are few times of course when I take up a position that is some sort of combination of the two of these. I'll be crazy, but not too crazy, or shy, but not too shy.
What I really want is for the rest of the world to see me as I want it to. I want to create an image and an essence for myself that is unchanging and undeniable. I want to be a legend in the minds of everyone whose ever met me. I want to be remembered for my quirkiness, admired for my good qualities, and known for my personality.
In the words of the Sandlot.... Heroes get remembered, but legends never die, and if you follow your heart, you can never go wrong.
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