Detachment

When I was 17 something happened to me that changed my life forever. It's something I carry with me every day of my life, and it's affected me far worse than I can even fully understand. It changed me. It took me from this life of glory and drive and accomplishment and turned me into mush. It is only years later that I feel the blunt of this experience, that I truly feel it's weight. Every day I realize it's hold on me, and every day I let it grip tighter. I haven't been in control of my life for a long time, because I'm honestly not sure how to get back to that place.

There are people who were there for me at this time, some of them more prominent than others, and these are the people I consider to be my heroes. Anyone who knows my story also knows the pain I carry with me, the pain I cannot let go of no matter how hard I try, the pain that makes it hard to say, "thank you". My heroes have stayed with my over the years without thanks or praise. They have served as scapegoats for this pain, as punching bags, and in many cases did this without complaint. To these heroes I would like to finally give a well-deserved thanks. Though many of them will never read this, at least I'm throwing it out into the void, for I'm not sure I would be able to say this directly to their faces or in print.

There are some days that I see an anger in myself I know was not there the day before, and the only explanation I have, is that I was forced to grow up before I was ready. So much of who I am is rooted in this anger. It has made me skeptical, it has made me judgmental, and most of all it has made me lazy. My biggest fear is that the traits I've developed with melt into my personality forever, and all hope of being my old self again will be lost. But I've always believed that this hope, this hope of getting back to who I was before my pain, of living up to the expectations I've set for myself, I've always believed that this hope will die last, that once everything else around me has faded away, it will still be there for me to hold on to.