Daydreams

Is it weird that more often than not when I have daydreams they're about people dying? It's always that someone close to me dies and everyone around them turns to Humpty Dumpty and instead of ME being the one whose mourning, I'm the one putting everyone else back together. I feel like so much of my life is about putting other people back together, and most times there isn't anyone to do the same for me.

Who you trying to fool?

You're gonna fall apart
It's gonna break your heart
You're gonna know that you were wrong
Down to the boatyard you'll run
Like you did at your graduation
You're gonna miss her when she's gone

Who you trying to fool?

(Brett Dennen, "When She's Gone")

A Chaser

I'm starting to realize how truly different the things I want and the things I need are, and that they sometimes overlap, but often times do not. And to take things even a step further, maybe make this whole epiphany even more ironic, is that I desperately need things to want. I need goals and dreams and things to prey on. I need them like I need air, or water, or food, or shelter. It is among my list of necessities to need things I desire. Because when I am in true pursuit of something, when I am truly chasing and hunting the things I want, that's when I am truly me. It's when I'm in my element.

I am, and will always be, a chaser, a hunter, I will forever be chasing after some goal or anticipating some occurrence. I will always be counting down to something.

I Struggle

Sometimes I watch these movies and when I get out of the theater or when I step away I just don't feel like saying anything. I literally have nothing to say, my mind is a complete blank which is the complete opposite of how I normally am. I walk out of these movies and I have this desire to spend the next 30 minutes in silence, just reflecting on the film. Talking about it ruins it, makes it cheesy, makes it seem more like a corporate production and less like a remarkable story that I just witnessed with my own 2 eyes.

I have always been fascinated by other people's stories. Unfortunately this fascination has taken more form in books, plays, tv, and movies, with characters far removed from me and my life, and less with the characters I see on a daily basis. I struggle to become fascinated with these familiar people. Give me a stranger, and I can jump right in, but give me a friend and I struggle. I struggle to sympathize with them. I struggle to put myself in their shoes. I struggle to be impressed by them. I struggle to understand that their problems and their issues are just as real, if not more so, than any of those characters I read about in books or see in films.

And sometimes, when it really counts, I struggle to do the most important thing, which is to care, because sometimes I'm just too selfish to do so.

Swimming

I get this feeling sometimes that everything within my reach isn't worth having, and everything I can't have is being dangled in front of me and I am reaching out my arms to grab it, I am swimming through time and space and I am trying to get those things that I cannot have, that cake that I want to eat, that burn that I need to feel, that satisfaction that I can't stop chasing.

I think you are truly happy when you are no longer chasing anything. When you can sit still for more than 10 minutes at a time and not get completely bored. When you're not afraid of falling down because there's something holding you up. When you no longer have to think about what has happened or what is coming next, because you're so glad about what is happening right then, right now.

Are you happy with what is happening right now?

I figured it Out

I think people try to make love out to be this thing that just turns you into mush and makes you fall completely senseless into this bottomless pit where youre overcome with worthlessness. It's not though.

Well, I figured it out, Love is this thing that gives you wings and you fly away to places you didn't know you could go and you feel things you didn't know you could feel, and you are brave. You're brave enough to feel the way you want to feel and you're so comfortable you could say anything. You feel out of control and safe all at the same time. And you know that all you have to do is see that person for a little bit every single day, 20 minutes, 5 minutes even and it will make you happier than anything else in the entire world can. And you just can't stay away from them and it just keeps pulling you closer and closer. It will lift you higher than any drug and it will carry you further than any engine. You don't need money and you don't need a plan, you just need them. They are your drug and they are your engine and they carry you and lift you without having any clue.

and you don't complain about anything when you're with them because nothing could ever be bad with them standing next to you enduring it too, soaking it up together.

That's what love is, I'm positive

Loner Shoe

There's this really muddy patch of sidewalk on my way home that always seems to have a loner shoe in it, and I always wonder if the shoe just got stuck in the mud and came off and the person was just too lazy to go back and get it.

And then I wonder, what kind of person is so lazy that they leave their shoe in the middle of a muddy sidewalk just because they would have to backtrack 4 steps in order to get it?

What is this world we live in...