Eureka

The only thing that ever makes me feel better when I'm upset, is just laying it all out on the table, saying exactly how I feel. I have to get all of those emotions out of me its catharsis its release its settling.

But the ironic thing is, the one thing I'm afraid of is letting people know how I feel, making myself vulnerable, opening myself up for the entire world to see.

How can I have my emotional release by telling someone how I feel, if I don't really want them to know?

Pups as Pets

EW gross. All my previous posts have been depressing let's kick that.

I have recently decided that I would absolutely die without a dog next year. I've never had a real pet...just a few fish, some toads, a ladybug, some hermit crabs, and a handful of mice. When I was 6 I was told I was allergic to cats and dogs and a few years later I was told that the initial reaction was just just a reaction to being tested too young..go figure. So finally the time has come. I'm about to embark on quite possibly one of my toughest journeys yet...I'm about to live alone. I'm about to have my own apartment where I won't have to worry about people hogging the freezer and I can hang up whatever Spiderman poster I want in my living room. It's going to be great, except I'm going to be terribly lonely. I really hope having a dog will help this process run a bit smoother. Basically I'm jacked. A bit nervous, but so so jacked.

I need a smaller dog of course because I'm afraid of big dogs, like Jenny's german shephard that bit me on Halloween and I cried in front of everyone (so so so not funny guys). I'm thinking Beagle? Rat terrier? Dachshund?

Fall

Figured I'd tell you, though no one reads this anyway, that I got into IU for grad school and I'll be going there in the fall. Apparently I do know what I'll be doing once I graduate. The program and school and everything should be cool, but I'm mostly just jacked that I get to stay. Part of my resistance about going to grad school was I was afraid to leave this place, but now I don't. So life is set...for now.

Theorizing

I'm 22 years old and in a little over a month I'm going to graduate. I have no idea what I want to do after that or who I want to be. I have this insane idea that I will never truly be happy until I've met "the one", and part of me believes that this will never happen either. Every time I date someone new I label them "the one". I tell myself they are perfect. They are the one that I've been looking for and I'm all set for the rest of my life. I suddenly have a plan and I'm suddenly happy. It fools me every time, because only months later I realize that this person is not in fact the one, that I have no plan whatsoever, and that I am actually unhappy. I try to make everyone I meet into the perfect and ideal person because I am in such a hurry to just have my life figured out. I'm in such a hurry to find that person who is going to save me from everything, who is going to make me happy. I put so much faith in just one person, and when it fails, I judge myself for having ever believed that one person could do everything and be everything that I plan for them to be. I judge myself for having been so wrong about that person. I judge myself for believing that any one person could ever be the one to save me, and then I judge myself for believing I ever needed to be saved.

It's true I've felt hopeless for much of my life, that true happiness might never be attainable and I'm just waisting time hunting for a person that will come along and fix everything. I can't keep putting all my faith in the chase because I rarely come away from it satisfied. I have to start finding happiness in other things, in other people, in other places. I have to stop believing that some person is going to come along and fix everything because when they leave all they do is ruin everything, and they always leave. They truly, always leave.

I think the person who has the potential to fix everything and make me truly happy, will only be able to do so after I've realized that I don't need to put all my stock in just one person in order to be happy. Only after I've realized that there are other things in this world that are capable of making me happy and of fixing things in their own way. The person will only be able to save me after I've successfully already saved myself.

But the problem with working in theories is there is no design. There is no road map to how to fix this, I must fix it myself, and that in it of itself, is of course my problem, that I'd rather someone else just fix me up than have to do it on my own. I don't know how to save myself before I'm too far gone.

NOW

I wanted to write a blog post because I haven't in forever, but this says exactly how I'm feeling better than I could ever write it (and probably in less words).

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods
-When I go Down by: Relient K

Off Track

I'm realizing more and more everyday that my perception of my life and how I feel inside of it, changes drastically from one day to the next. There are times when it is easy to succumb to laziness, wearing out the DVD's in my very large collection like its my job, and other days when I'd love nothing more than to just get out there and experience everything I've been missing out on. I keep thinking that I understand myself and the things I do in this one way, and then I go and surprise myself. I know that no one really knows who they are, and that this is the time in our lives when we're supposed to be figuring it out, but up until a few weeks ago, I thought I already knew. I thought I had everything all figured out and then it went and changed on me just like it always does.

I've realized that the constants in my life, the things I try to make into constants, rarely stay consistant, and it's the things that I forget about, the things that have been around so long that I don't even really consider them constants just, givens, that I realize are the most important things. That's when I realized, you can't make any thing, person, or action a constant. You can't force them into permanence, they just become that way, and usually once they do, you don't even realize you ever knew how to live without them, because it seems like common sense.

I've taken a lot of things in my life for granted, and I know that it's hurting me. I know that I haven't been the best anything lately, not the best friend, the best roommate, the best daughter, the best student, the best person, the best Laura. I'm not sure where I got off track or how I even let myself derail.

I don't really have any conclusions, no plans to fix everything and make it better. I'm just going to keep holding on as long as I can and hope that if I fall, someone is there to catch me.

Bad Things

The worst thing about bad things happening is you aren't prepared for them, usually. Sometimes things come totally out of the blue and completely shock you. They pull you below the surface and hold you hostage for as long as they want. You have no control, because the bad thing is what's in control. You forget what life was like before the bad thing, how happy you were, the things that could make you smile. You forget that things could ever be good and decent because they suddenly feel so horrible that you've forgotten what it means to have a 'good' day. And it's never something you get over in a few days or even a week. It's something that stays with you for months on end, that haunts you, that pops up everywhere you look, that takes every opportunity to look you in the face and say, this is what it's like to feel lonely, and this is what it's like to feel pain. And there's nothing you can do about it.