Theorizing

I'm 22 years old and in a little over a month I'm going to graduate. I have no idea what I want to do after that or who I want to be. I have this insane idea that I will never truly be happy until I've met "the one", and part of me believes that this will never happen either. Every time I date someone new I label them "the one". I tell myself they are perfect. They are the one that I've been looking for and I'm all set for the rest of my life. I suddenly have a plan and I'm suddenly happy. It fools me every time, because only months later I realize that this person is not in fact the one, that I have no plan whatsoever, and that I am actually unhappy. I try to make everyone I meet into the perfect and ideal person because I am in such a hurry to just have my life figured out. I'm in such a hurry to find that person who is going to save me from everything, who is going to make me happy. I put so much faith in just one person, and when it fails, I judge myself for having ever believed that one person could do everything and be everything that I plan for them to be. I judge myself for having been so wrong about that person. I judge myself for believing that any one person could ever be the one to save me, and then I judge myself for believing I ever needed to be saved.

It's true I've felt hopeless for much of my life, that true happiness might never be attainable and I'm just waisting time hunting for a person that will come along and fix everything. I can't keep putting all my faith in the chase because I rarely come away from it satisfied. I have to start finding happiness in other things, in other people, in other places. I have to stop believing that some person is going to come along and fix everything because when they leave all they do is ruin everything, and they always leave. They truly, always leave.

I think the person who has the potential to fix everything and make me truly happy, will only be able to do so after I've realized that I don't need to put all my stock in just one person in order to be happy. Only after I've realized that there are other things in this world that are capable of making me happy and of fixing things in their own way. The person will only be able to save me after I've successfully already saved myself.

But the problem with working in theories is there is no design. There is no road map to how to fix this, I must fix it myself, and that in it of itself, is of course my problem, that I'd rather someone else just fix me up than have to do it on my own. I don't know how to save myself before I'm too far gone.