Off Track

I'm realizing more and more everyday that my perception of my life and how I feel inside of it, changes drastically from one day to the next. There are times when it is easy to succumb to laziness, wearing out the DVD's in my very large collection like its my job, and other days when I'd love nothing more than to just get out there and experience everything I've been missing out on. I keep thinking that I understand myself and the things I do in this one way, and then I go and surprise myself. I know that no one really knows who they are, and that this is the time in our lives when we're supposed to be figuring it out, but up until a few weeks ago, I thought I already knew. I thought I had everything all figured out and then it went and changed on me just like it always does.

I've realized that the constants in my life, the things I try to make into constants, rarely stay consistant, and it's the things that I forget about, the things that have been around so long that I don't even really consider them constants just, givens, that I realize are the most important things. That's when I realized, you can't make any thing, person, or action a constant. You can't force them into permanence, they just become that way, and usually once they do, you don't even realize you ever knew how to live without them, because it seems like common sense.

I've taken a lot of things in my life for granted, and I know that it's hurting me. I know that I haven't been the best anything lately, not the best friend, the best roommate, the best daughter, the best student, the best person, the best Laura. I'm not sure where I got off track or how I even let myself derail.

I don't really have any conclusions, no plans to fix everything and make it better. I'm just going to keep holding on as long as I can and hope that if I fall, someone is there to catch me.