So some people may have found my last post harsh, but blah blah. I had to get it out somehow. Blogging is honestly therapeutic to me.
With that being said...I am having some problems with the future.
I am ok with this whole undergrad thing. Sometimes it blows ass like when I have to read stupid sociology articles that are 35 pages or study idiotic italian verbs. These things are unnecessary but I understand the point of them. I am ok with being in school for another year and finishing this one. I know I want a college degree and I know this is how I have to go about getting one. What I'm not sure about...is what I want to do after these 4 little years are up...
For a while I was set on going to grad school after this for counseling psych and being a psychologist and fixing the world one troubled teen at a time....but after 30 short minutes of looking online at the programs and literally seeing those words in print..."5-6 years to finish the PhD degree", I don't know...it just became intimidating. And typically no more than 6-10 people get accepted in each program? Whatttttt?? I mean, I probably knew that, but it never really dawned on me how hard I have to work for this. And that's when I realized.........I'm not sure if I want this. Most of the time I am a crazy competitor. I live for the rush of striving for the top, but if its something I'm not into, then I literally have no motivation to accomplish it.
What I really want to do is to help, to inspire, to make a difference, and to tell my story. I have some ideas right now of how to do this, though they are all very undeveloped. I'm not quite ready to put some of them in writing just yet.
I want more for my life than just sitting at a desk for 6 years and then doing some more sitting for the rest of my life. I want to be active. I want a life that is always changing and always exciting. I want a life where I can actively see a difference. I want to see the smiles on peoples faces take over my entire field of vision.
And another thing I've realized...I'm shy. I'm not very good at talking to people about the way I feel or the way they feel. I think this may be a problem.
Monday, February 16, 2009
I'm Not Afraid Anymore
I think that a lot of my friends don't really appreciate my personality. I don't mean "appreciate" in a sarcastic sense like they don't care for it, I mean, they literally don't grasp the nature, worth, quality and significance of who I am. They don't value the traits I posses which make me different.
There are so many people out there who don't like songs because they are "too popular" or bands because they've "sold out" or actors because they "always play the same role". And when these people make comments about this, what they don't understand is they are making a judgment about someone else's life. Obviously, we are free to make these judgments, but I think sometimes people don't realize that people do the exact same thing every single day sometimes, because they know what they like, and that's what they want to do.
I eat nearly the exact same meal for dinner in month increments, sometimes even semester increments. So far this semester, it's nuggs (chicken nuggets). I went through a nugg faze last year, and then last semester I went through a nugg dry spell where I didn't eat a single nugg, even at restaurants barely. People sometimes make fun of me for this. Saying I'm cheap, or boring, or that I need to vary it up for whatever reason...but all of those reasons really have nothing to do with other people. I am allowed to eat nuggs every single day of the week, because that is the choice I have made for myself, not for other people.
I know this all probably seems pretty disconnected but it really makes sense. My weird eating habits are a part of my personality. Some people appreciate this about me, others don't understand it, others make fun of it. There is a different between not understanding something, and making fun of it. The difference is, the people who make fun of it, also do not understand it, but think that they have some superior knowledge to somehow make their opinion above all other opinion, and thus they have the right to make a person feel inferior for having unique preferences.
I know way too many people who are way too opinionated and its about to make me hit the roof. You are entitled to your opinions and to express them, but there is a point when voicing your opinions in a crowded room makes other people uncomfortable, and I'm afraid to say that often I'm number one on this list of becoming uncomfortable. Maybe I take things too personally, or I am a softy, or I think everyone is just out to get me. But what is truly so wrong with being that passionate about something? What is so wrong with feeling something to such a level, which may seem trivial to others, but YOU take it personally? What is wrong with that?
And what is wrong in my liking these kiddish foods, the disney channel, celebrities who aren't doing any good to the MPAA, trashy movies, awkward clothing items, and oversized chunky rings?
I'll tell you what...there's nothing wrong with it to me. And for those people in my life who like to poke fun at these things, and many others....well you can take your opinions and your judgments and you can eat them. Because if you were really a worth-while friend, you would appreciate these things about me. You would appreciate that I am different and I, for that split second, felt comfortable enough in front of you to be a little vulnerable and admit that I like something that is generally not well receipted in the eyes of others. I am your friend, and you should not be doing anything to make me feel uncomfortable. I should not have to walk out of a room because I feel personally attacked. I'm going to quit being afraid of who I am. I'm going to quit being scared to be myself. I'm going to quit trying to please YOU... because you're really not worth it anyway.
There are so many people out there who don't like songs because they are "too popular" or bands because they've "sold out" or actors because they "always play the same role". And when these people make comments about this, what they don't understand is they are making a judgment about someone else's life. Obviously, we are free to make these judgments, but I think sometimes people don't realize that people do the exact same thing every single day sometimes, because they know what they like, and that's what they want to do.
I eat nearly the exact same meal for dinner in month increments, sometimes even semester increments. So far this semester, it's nuggs (chicken nuggets). I went through a nugg faze last year, and then last semester I went through a nugg dry spell where I didn't eat a single nugg, even at restaurants barely. People sometimes make fun of me for this. Saying I'm cheap, or boring, or that I need to vary it up for whatever reason...but all of those reasons really have nothing to do with other people. I am allowed to eat nuggs every single day of the week, because that is the choice I have made for myself, not for other people.
I know this all probably seems pretty disconnected but it really makes sense. My weird eating habits are a part of my personality. Some people appreciate this about me, others don't understand it, others make fun of it. There is a different between not understanding something, and making fun of it. The difference is, the people who make fun of it, also do not understand it, but think that they have some superior knowledge to somehow make their opinion above all other opinion, and thus they have the right to make a person feel inferior for having unique preferences.
I know way too many people who are way too opinionated and its about to make me hit the roof. You are entitled to your opinions and to express them, but there is a point when voicing your opinions in a crowded room makes other people uncomfortable, and I'm afraid to say that often I'm number one on this list of becoming uncomfortable. Maybe I take things too personally, or I am a softy, or I think everyone is just out to get me. But what is truly so wrong with being that passionate about something? What is so wrong with feeling something to such a level, which may seem trivial to others, but YOU take it personally? What is wrong with that?
And what is wrong in my liking these kiddish foods, the disney channel, celebrities who aren't doing any good to the MPAA, trashy movies, awkward clothing items, and oversized chunky rings?
I'll tell you what...there's nothing wrong with it to me. And for those people in my life who like to poke fun at these things, and many others....well you can take your opinions and your judgments and you can eat them. Because if you were really a worth-while friend, you would appreciate these things about me. You would appreciate that I am different and I, for that split second, felt comfortable enough in front of you to be a little vulnerable and admit that I like something that is generally not well receipted in the eyes of others. I am your friend, and you should not be doing anything to make me feel uncomfortable. I should not have to walk out of a room because I feel personally attacked. I'm going to quit being afraid of who I am. I'm going to quit being scared to be myself. I'm going to quit trying to please YOU... because you're really not worth it anyway.
Monday, February 9, 2009
I will forever be trapped in a 12 year old's body
Ever since I was a kid, I have had this obsession with movies, specifically when they have mushy gushy love scenes and hotties in them. I used to tape movies on tv all of the time and would watch the love scenes over and over again. I would analyze the smile of the leading male, the way his face lit up every time he saw his leading lady. I would watch his hands and how they held on tightly to her hands, and softly to her face. I would watch every last little detail of every move he made, and then I would watch the girl. I would watch the expression on her face through all of this, always so happy and satisfied.
I'm not sure if this is embarassing to say, but i still do this today, in my 21-year-old life. Sadly enough, many of the movies I do this with are movies that only a 12-year-old girl would or even SHOULD be able to watch over and over again, movies I am too embarassed to name. My feelings on love and how it should be portrayed have gone unchanged, and I wonder if that is why my expectations are so high (it has to be).
I always expect relationships to be cookie cutter, and I always expect to get those butterflies the way I do when I watch the hunks on tv. I always think characters are accurate representations of people in real life, but they aren't. I've never met a guy that lived up to Seth Cohen, Edward Cullen, or Paulie Bleaker, but I still think that one day I could...and at least for right now I think I'm going to keep trying to find one of them.
I'm not sure if this is embarassing to say, but i still do this today, in my 21-year-old life. Sadly enough, many of the movies I do this with are movies that only a 12-year-old girl would or even SHOULD be able to watch over and over again, movies I am too embarassed to name. My feelings on love and how it should be portrayed have gone unchanged, and I wonder if that is why my expectations are so high (it has to be).
I always expect relationships to be cookie cutter, and I always expect to get those butterflies the way I do when I watch the hunks on tv. I always think characters are accurate representations of people in real life, but they aren't. I've never met a guy that lived up to Seth Cohen, Edward Cullen, or Paulie Bleaker, but I still think that one day I could...and at least for right now I think I'm going to keep trying to find one of them.
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