"The individual can only be what is possible within some specifically constructed historical world. But individuals, thus constrained, construct and reconstruct such historical worlds by exploiting the distinctive ambiguities of interaction. They bring with them to each of their interactions a unique and inner self."
-Dennis Wrong
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Don't Wait
Currently listening to: "To West Texas" by: Explosions in the Sky (Friday Night Lights Soundtrack)
I've been afraid of death for a long time, I'm sure most of us are in one way or another.
I remember being 7, or very young at least, and sneaking off to my room to cry after Papoulie (Michelle Tanner's grandfather) died on Full House. One of my parents came in a few minutes later and asked why I was crying. I told them it was because Papoulie had died just like my step-grandma had died and that I was afraid to die one day. I barely even knew my step-grandma.
I think death is so scary because it makes each of us re-evaluate our lives in some ways. We don't want to believe that any day could ever be our last day. We think about what we would miss out on, what we would never get to do, and who we'd be leaving behind. Most of us fear death because we're nowhere near prepared for it.
Whenever I think about death I always think about something this really smart guy I know once said, never wait to let someone know how much you care about them. Life is far too short to spend it wrapped up in the unimportant stuff. Live everyday and love everyday and never wait to let someone know how much they mean to you....seriously, go do it right now.
R.I.P. Ryan Kerwood
I've been afraid of death for a long time, I'm sure most of us are in one way or another.
I remember being 7, or very young at least, and sneaking off to my room to cry after Papoulie (Michelle Tanner's grandfather) died on Full House. One of my parents came in a few minutes later and asked why I was crying. I told them it was because Papoulie had died just like my step-grandma had died and that I was afraid to die one day. I barely even knew my step-grandma.
I think death is so scary because it makes each of us re-evaluate our lives in some ways. We don't want to believe that any day could ever be our last day. We think about what we would miss out on, what we would never get to do, and who we'd be leaving behind. Most of us fear death because we're nowhere near prepared for it.
Whenever I think about death I always think about something this really smart guy I know once said, never wait to let someone know how much you care about them. Life is far too short to spend it wrapped up in the unimportant stuff. Live everyday and love everyday and never wait to let someone know how much they mean to you....seriously, go do it right now.
R.I.P. Ryan Kerwood
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Eureka
The only thing that ever makes me feel better when I'm upset, is just laying it all out on the table, saying exactly how I feel. I have to get all of those emotions out of me its catharsis its release its settling.
But the ironic thing is, the one thing I'm afraid of is letting people know how I feel, making myself vulnerable, opening myself up for the entire world to see.
How can I have my emotional release by telling someone how I feel, if I don't really want them to know?
But the ironic thing is, the one thing I'm afraid of is letting people know how I feel, making myself vulnerable, opening myself up for the entire world to see.
How can I have my emotional release by telling someone how I feel, if I don't really want them to know?
Monday, April 12, 2010
Pups as Pets
EW gross. All my previous posts have been depressing let's kick that.
I have recently decided that I would absolutely die without a dog next year. I've never had a real pet...just a few fish, some toads, a ladybug, some hermit crabs, and a handful of mice. When I was 6 I was told I was allergic to cats and dogs and a few years later I was told that the initial reaction was just just a reaction to being tested too young..go figure. So finally the time has come. I'm about to embark on quite possibly one of my toughest journeys yet...I'm about to live alone. I'm about to have my own apartment where I won't have to worry about people hogging the freezer and I can hang up whatever Spiderman poster I want in my living room. It's going to be great, except I'm going to be terribly lonely. I really hope having a dog will help this process run a bit smoother. Basically I'm jacked. A bit nervous, but so so jacked.
I need a smaller dog of course because I'm afraid of big dogs, like Jenny's german shephard that bit me on Halloween and I cried in front of everyone (so so so not funny guys). I'm thinking Beagle? Rat terrier? Dachshund?
I have recently decided that I would absolutely die without a dog next year. I've never had a real pet...just a few fish, some toads, a ladybug, some hermit crabs, and a handful of mice. When I was 6 I was told I was allergic to cats and dogs and a few years later I was told that the initial reaction was just just a reaction to being tested too young..go figure. So finally the time has come. I'm about to embark on quite possibly one of my toughest journeys yet...I'm about to live alone. I'm about to have my own apartment where I won't have to worry about people hogging the freezer and I can hang up whatever Spiderman poster I want in my living room. It's going to be great, except I'm going to be terribly lonely. I really hope having a dog will help this process run a bit smoother. Basically I'm jacked. A bit nervous, but so so jacked.
I need a smaller dog of course because I'm afraid of big dogs, like Jenny's german shephard that bit me on Halloween and I cried in front of everyone (so so so not funny guys). I'm thinking Beagle? Rat terrier? Dachshund?
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Fall
Figured I'd tell you, though no one reads this anyway, that I got into IU for grad school and I'll be going there in the fall. Apparently I do know what I'll be doing once I graduate. The program and school and everything should be cool, but I'm mostly just jacked that I get to stay. Part of my resistance about going to grad school was I was afraid to leave this place, but now I don't. So life is set...for now.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Theorizing
I'm 22 years old and in a little over a month I'm going to graduate. I have no idea what I want to do after that or who I want to be. I have this insane idea that I will never truly be happy until I've met "the one", and part of me believes that this will never happen either. Every time I date someone new I label them "the one". I tell myself they are perfect. They are the one that I've been looking for and I'm all set for the rest of my life. I suddenly have a plan and I'm suddenly happy. It fools me every time, because only months later I realize that this person is not in fact the one, that I have no plan whatsoever, and that I am actually unhappy. I try to make everyone I meet into the perfect and ideal person because I am in such a hurry to just have my life figured out. I'm in such a hurry to find that person who is going to save me from everything, who is going to make me happy. I put so much faith in just one person, and when it fails, I judge myself for having ever believed that one person could do everything and be everything that I plan for them to be. I judge myself for having been so wrong about that person. I judge myself for believing that any one person could ever be the one to save me, and then I judge myself for believing I ever needed to be saved.
It's true I've felt hopeless for much of my life, that true happiness might never be attainable and I'm just waisting time hunting for a person that will come along and fix everything. I can't keep putting all my faith in the chase because I rarely come away from it satisfied. I have to start finding happiness in other things, in other people, in other places. I have to stop believing that some person is going to come along and fix everything because when they leave all they do is ruin everything, and they always leave. They truly, always leave.
I think the person who has the potential to fix everything and make me truly happy, will only be able to do so after I've realized that I don't need to put all my stock in just one person in order to be happy. Only after I've realized that there are other things in this world that are capable of making me happy and of fixing things in their own way. The person will only be able to save me after I've successfully already saved myself.
But the problem with working in theories is there is no design. There is no road map to how to fix this, I must fix it myself, and that in it of itself, is of course my problem, that I'd rather someone else just fix me up than have to do it on my own. I don't know how to save myself before I'm too far gone.
It's true I've felt hopeless for much of my life, that true happiness might never be attainable and I'm just waisting time hunting for a person that will come along and fix everything. I can't keep putting all my faith in the chase because I rarely come away from it satisfied. I have to start finding happiness in other things, in other people, in other places. I have to stop believing that some person is going to come along and fix everything because when they leave all they do is ruin everything, and they always leave. They truly, always leave.
I think the person who has the potential to fix everything and make me truly happy, will only be able to do so after I've realized that I don't need to put all my stock in just one person in order to be happy. Only after I've realized that there are other things in this world that are capable of making me happy and of fixing things in their own way. The person will only be able to save me after I've successfully already saved myself.
But the problem with working in theories is there is no design. There is no road map to how to fix this, I must fix it myself, and that in it of itself, is of course my problem, that I'd rather someone else just fix me up than have to do it on my own. I don't know how to save myself before I'm too far gone.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
NOW
I wanted to write a blog post because I haven't in forever, but this says exactly how I'm feeling better than I could ever write it (and probably in less words).
I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods
-When I go Down by: Relient K
I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods
-When I go Down by: Relient K
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