I had hoped it would happen. I'm not sure how long I thought it would take, but I know that I was pretty sure it was never really going to fully happen anyway, maybe just in bits and pieces. Maybe little by little everything, every feeling, every memory, would start to fade away enough that I would soon succumb to not caring. I hoped for years that the pain would go away. It kept coming in and out and teasing me and bullying me. And then, on the most unlikely of all days, on a day similar to a day 4 months prior where a simple phone call left me in tears, I saw what I had been afraid to see for over 7 years, and I didn't care at all. There were no tears, no compulsive mouse clicks, no "Oh my god!"'s. There was none of that. Sure there was curiosity, a little bit of intrigue, but no more reaction than any other finding of its nature would warrant.
What I am trying to say is that I'm on a plane and I'm over it (someone said that to me once after I broke up with them in the 9th grade and I thought it was completely ridiculous, so I'm not even sure why I'm using it now)I'm not hurt, I'm not sad, I'm not confused. I had been almost over it for so long and I just needed an extra little push to get me over the edge and I finally got it.
I can honestly say that I have fully and truthfully, moved on from that portion of my life. It was great, I don't take it back, I don't hate it, in fact quite the opposite. I will always keep it special and safe in my heart and I will continue to care about it, but gone are the days where I will sit up at night stressing over it. I have moved on, and man it feels great.
Seth Cohen wouldn't give up, but he would know when to move on.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
There Are Places I Remember
I've spent 5 summers of my life among the birch trees of birch lake (though that's not actually true because there are hardly any birch trees at camp, but there used to be? I think?)and every summer is a little bit different, understandably. I left Camp Tannadoonah twice as a camper and never thought twice about it. I left it the first time as a counselor in 2007 2 weeks early, and didn't much care about coming back to it, and then I left it in 2008 and knew I would die if I didn't return.
And now, it's 2009 and I've left it again.
There are places I remember, like my basement back on Sapphire Drive where Christine and I used to roller skate to The Lion King, and Encore, with all it's 90's neon colors and dark corners. These places hold special places in my heart, but Tannadoonah holds an extra special one. It's a place I will truly remember and honestly never forget. I will never forget the details of the woodwork in Morris Lodge or the way the puddles form along the grass right after it rains. I will never forget the camper's who have touched me more than I've touched them, or the people who were there for me along the way.
I used to talk about finding a love that transcends all that I've known of myself, of finding myself at home in another person, and though at times it seemed the search would never come to a conclusion, Tannadoonah concluded the search for me. I think it's safe to say that I gave Tannadoonah 5 years of dedication and in return it gave me a love I never thought I was worthy of. It gave me the hope I'm always searching for and handlebars to grip on to.
And though this love is set further away than both of us would like it to be, I know that it won't fail. I've put all my strength in this and I truly believe that if 2 people can devote their heart to something, there's no way it can fall short of wonderful. And so I'm holding on. I'm holding on blindly, but its so tightly that my future doesn't care where it's going, as long as it knows that that love will never die. And I hope to Lindsay it doesn't.
And now, it's 2009 and I've left it again.
There are places I remember, like my basement back on Sapphire Drive where Christine and I used to roller skate to The Lion King, and Encore, with all it's 90's neon colors and dark corners. These places hold special places in my heart, but Tannadoonah holds an extra special one. It's a place I will truly remember and honestly never forget. I will never forget the details of the woodwork in Morris Lodge or the way the puddles form along the grass right after it rains. I will never forget the camper's who have touched me more than I've touched them, or the people who were there for me along the way.
I used to talk about finding a love that transcends all that I've known of myself, of finding myself at home in another person, and though at times it seemed the search would never come to a conclusion, Tannadoonah concluded the search for me. I think it's safe to say that I gave Tannadoonah 5 years of dedication and in return it gave me a love I never thought I was worthy of. It gave me the hope I'm always searching for and handlebars to grip on to.
And though this love is set further away than both of us would like it to be, I know that it won't fail. I've put all my strength in this and I truly believe that if 2 people can devote their heart to something, there's no way it can fall short of wonderful. And so I'm holding on. I'm holding on blindly, but its so tightly that my future doesn't care where it's going, as long as it knows that that love will never die. And I hope to Lindsay it doesn't.
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