I've Decided I'm Going to Start Using this More

friction

We were right where we left off
Your words were grinding up against me
churning like a pepper mill
I swept freckled flecks off my chest
only this time when I looked up
it was your eyes that were empty
and mine were green as grass

but as the ice fell to the bottom of our glasses
and our resistance fell to shit
blue would bleed into your empty irises
and need would swallow up
our trembling fingertips
so we could reach out
to latch the rusty hitch

And then the morning after
The center of my chest
was throbbing like a newborn's mind
just trying to absorb
every sparkling stimulus
I couldn't think of anything
no witty pun at your new haircut
or criticisms of the way you clean
your kitchen floor was spotless anyway

So when the autumn leaves rushed
up into my lingering window
brushing my eager skin
as your house went out of view
I knew that everything was different
felt different
felt bigger
than even we could understand

I know you're scared but so am I
these things aren't cast in stone
they crumble when a black cat passes
But even if this falls to pieces
you change your mind or I get bored
there will still be scars
crisscrossing down my chest
from when I tried to get inside
tried to rip apart my flesh
just enough to let you in

But maybe it's enough
Just to know you went for something
that felt like jagged edges
twisting and contorting
tearing at your core
until they wore you down to flawless marble
and afterwards
you still had the courage to try again

Word to the Wise...

...if you want to reconnect with your ex-girlfriend, don't say all the same things you said back when you were an arrogant, controlling, selfish prick. It just makes her think you haven't changed at all.

Nostalgia

I've been trying not to get too sentimental about this year ending, and up until now (the weekend before finals week) it's worked out pretty well. It's easy for me to ignore or overlook the fact that my undergraduate education is over, because I know I still have two more years here. I know at least half of my friends will still be here and a new one will be coming! (love you Bschenk) I know that all of the places that I love here, Bloomington Bagel, the Bluebird, the South Lounge in the Union, all of these places will still be here.

But as this pivotal moment in my life that is graduation is approaching, I'm realizing that I'm not just reflecting on the past four years, but the past eight years, the past sixteen years, the past twenty-three years. You think about who you were at those different times. You think about your goals and your aspirations and you wonder if you're everything you always wanted yourself to be. You wonder if you've made all the right choices, if you have any regrets, if you've grown at all.

There is a part of me that will always be a little kid, of this I am quite confident. There is also a part of me, and of this I am even more confident, that will always be a Hoosier. Indiana University, Bloomington, has been my home for four years. This is where I grew up. It has comforted me in the toughest of times and it has picked me up more times than I could ever thank it for. Honestly, I'm not sure I could have survived the last four years at any other university. The aesthetics of this campus mixed with the energy by the entire student body (even if it is just used towards partying haha) are what make me proud to call myself a Hoosier.

Thanks IU, for 4 solid life-changing years here, and I look forward to 2 more in the future.

Sociology Final Tomorrow

"The individual can only be what is possible within some specifically constructed historical world. But individuals, thus constrained, construct and reconstruct such historical worlds by exploiting the distinctive ambiguities of interaction. They bring with them to each of their interactions a unique and inner self."
-Dennis Wrong

Don't Wait

Currently listening to: "To West Texas" by: Explosions in the Sky (Friday Night Lights Soundtrack)

I've been afraid of death for a long time, I'm sure most of us are in one way or another.

I remember being 7, or very young at least, and sneaking off to my room to cry after Papoulie (Michelle Tanner's grandfather) died on Full House. One of my parents came in a few minutes later and asked why I was crying. I told them it was because Papoulie had died just like my step-grandma had died and that I was afraid to die one day. I barely even knew my step-grandma.

I think death is so scary because it makes each of us re-evaluate our lives in some ways. We don't want to believe that any day could ever be our last day. We think about what we would miss out on, what we would never get to do, and who we'd be leaving behind. Most of us fear death because we're nowhere near prepared for it.

Whenever I think about death I always think about something this really smart guy I know once said, never wait to let someone know how much you care about them. Life is far too short to spend it wrapped up in the unimportant stuff. Live everyday and love everyday and never wait to let someone know how much they mean to you....seriously, go do it right now.

R.I.P. Ryan Kerwood

Eureka

The only thing that ever makes me feel better when I'm upset, is just laying it all out on the table, saying exactly how I feel. I have to get all of those emotions out of me its catharsis its release its settling.

But the ironic thing is, the one thing I'm afraid of is letting people know how I feel, making myself vulnerable, opening myself up for the entire world to see.

How can I have my emotional release by telling someone how I feel, if I don't really want them to know?

Pups as Pets

EW gross. All my previous posts have been depressing let's kick that.

I have recently decided that I would absolutely die without a dog next year. I've never had a real pet...just a few fish, some toads, a ladybug, some hermit crabs, and a handful of mice. When I was 6 I was told I was allergic to cats and dogs and a few years later I was told that the initial reaction was just just a reaction to being tested too young..go figure. So finally the time has come. I'm about to embark on quite possibly one of my toughest journeys yet...I'm about to live alone. I'm about to have my own apartment where I won't have to worry about people hogging the freezer and I can hang up whatever Spiderman poster I want in my living room. It's going to be great, except I'm going to be terribly lonely. I really hope having a dog will help this process run a bit smoother. Basically I'm jacked. A bit nervous, but so so jacked.

I need a smaller dog of course because I'm afraid of big dogs, like Jenny's german shephard that bit me on Halloween and I cried in front of everyone (so so so not funny guys). I'm thinking Beagle? Rat terrier? Dachshund?