I'm terrified

because this is something I could fail at. And if I do in fact fail, I am not only wasting a lot of time but also a lot of money. But mostly I'm wasting time. Mostly I will have wasted time. I will have wasted the roughly 15 precious nights that could have been filled with late night talks, trips to Bloomington Bagel, and movie marathons, to instead, camp out in the library with my nose in that god damned Kaplan GRE Psychology Preparation book. For christ's sake it's been like a bible.

If I fail I'm not sure where I'll go from there (well actually I do because I have a back up plan, but mentally I do not know where I'll go from there). I'm not sure how I will react or what I will do because I really am completely and utterly in the dark about it. I'm not sure how it will make me feel, because I've never really failed before, and that's not to say I'm good at everything, but that instead I only do things I am good at.

I've never really gone out on a limb before and tried to do something I wasn't good at, because I figured if I sucked at it, or if it was going to take too much work, I just wouldn't enjoy it.

The closest I've come is when I auditioned for the music school and did not get in, but quickly decided that it was a relief because it wasn't what I really wanted to do anyway. (which still remains legit I'd say, but sometimes I wonder...)

I don't want to do that with this. I don't want to spend all this money taking these tests and all this time studying for them and put all this energy into it, and then not get in and say "It wasn't what I wanted anyway". NO. I want to feel this all the way through. If I fail I want to be devastated, and I want to try again.

This is why I'm terrified, because for once I am standing up to myself. I'm terrified of failing, and I'm terrified of being devastated.

It happened

I had hoped it would happen. I'm not sure how long I thought it would take, but I know that I was pretty sure it was never really going to fully happen anyway, maybe just in bits and pieces. Maybe little by little everything, every feeling, every memory, would start to fade away enough that I would soon succumb to not caring. I hoped for years that the pain would go away. It kept coming in and out and teasing me and bullying me. And then, on the most unlikely of all days, on a day similar to a day 4 months prior where a simple phone call left me in tears, I saw what I had been afraid to see for over 7 years, and I didn't care at all. There were no tears, no compulsive mouse clicks, no "Oh my god!"'s. There was none of that. Sure there was curiosity, a little bit of intrigue, but no more reaction than any other finding of its nature would warrant.

What I am trying to say is that I'm on a plane and I'm over it (someone said that to me once after I broke up with them in the 9th grade and I thought it was completely ridiculous, so I'm not even sure why I'm using it now)I'm not hurt, I'm not sad, I'm not confused. I had been almost over it for so long and I just needed an extra little push to get me over the edge and I finally got it.

I can honestly say that I have fully and truthfully, moved on from that portion of my life. It was great, I don't take it back, I don't hate it, in fact quite the opposite. I will always keep it special and safe in my heart and I will continue to care about it, but gone are the days where I will sit up at night stressing over it. I have moved on, and man it feels great.

Seth Cohen wouldn't give up, but he would know when to move on.

There Are Places I Remember

I've spent 5 summers of my life among the birch trees of birch lake (though that's not actually true because there are hardly any birch trees at camp, but there used to be? I think?)and every summer is a little bit different, understandably. I left Camp Tannadoonah twice as a camper and never thought twice about it. I left it the first time as a counselor in 2007 2 weeks early, and didn't much care about coming back to it, and then I left it in 2008 and knew I would die if I didn't return.

And now, it's 2009 and I've left it again.

There are places I remember, like my basement back on Sapphire Drive where Christine and I used to roller skate to The Lion King, and Encore, with all it's 90's neon colors and dark corners. These places hold special places in my heart, but Tannadoonah holds an extra special one. It's a place I will truly remember and honestly never forget. I will never forget the details of the woodwork in Morris Lodge or the way the puddles form along the grass right after it rains. I will never forget the camper's who have touched me more than I've touched them, or the people who were there for me along the way.

I used to talk about finding a love that transcends all that I've known of myself, of finding myself at home in another person, and though at times it seemed the search would never come to a conclusion, Tannadoonah concluded the search for me. I think it's safe to say that I gave Tannadoonah 5 years of dedication and in return it gave me a love I never thought I was worthy of. It gave me the hope I'm always searching for and handlebars to grip on to.

And though this love is set further away than both of us would like it to be, I know that it won't fail. I've put all my strength in this and I truly believe that if 2 people can devote their heart to something, there's no way it can fall short of wonderful. And so I'm holding on. I'm holding on blindly, but its so tightly that my future doesn't care where it's going, as long as it knows that that love will never die. And I hope to Lindsay it doesn't.

Daydreams

Is it weird that more often than not when I have daydreams they're about people dying? It's always that someone close to me dies and everyone around them turns to Humpty Dumpty and instead of ME being the one whose mourning, I'm the one putting everyone else back together. I feel like so much of my life is about putting other people back together, and most times there isn't anyone to do the same for me.

Who you trying to fool?

You're gonna fall apart
It's gonna break your heart
You're gonna know that you were wrong
Down to the boatyard you'll run
Like you did at your graduation
You're gonna miss her when she's gone

Who you trying to fool?

(Brett Dennen, "When She's Gone")

A Chaser

I'm starting to realize how truly different the things I want and the things I need are, and that they sometimes overlap, but often times do not. And to take things even a step further, maybe make this whole epiphany even more ironic, is that I desperately need things to want. I need goals and dreams and things to prey on. I need them like I need air, or water, or food, or shelter. It is among my list of necessities to need things I desire. Because when I am in true pursuit of something, when I am truly chasing and hunting the things I want, that's when I am truly me. It's when I'm in my element.

I am, and will always be, a chaser, a hunter, I will forever be chasing after some goal or anticipating some occurrence. I will always be counting down to something.

I Struggle

Sometimes I watch these movies and when I get out of the theater or when I step away I just don't feel like saying anything. I literally have nothing to say, my mind is a complete blank which is the complete opposite of how I normally am. I walk out of these movies and I have this desire to spend the next 30 minutes in silence, just reflecting on the film. Talking about it ruins it, makes it cheesy, makes it seem more like a corporate production and less like a remarkable story that I just witnessed with my own 2 eyes.

I have always been fascinated by other people's stories. Unfortunately this fascination has taken more form in books, plays, tv, and movies, with characters far removed from me and my life, and less with the characters I see on a daily basis. I struggle to become fascinated with these familiar people. Give me a stranger, and I can jump right in, but give me a friend and I struggle. I struggle to sympathize with them. I struggle to put myself in their shoes. I struggle to be impressed by them. I struggle to understand that their problems and their issues are just as real, if not more so, than any of those characters I read about in books or see in films.

And sometimes, when it really counts, I struggle to do the most important thing, which is to care, because sometimes I'm just too selfish to do so.