Off Track

I'm realizing more and more everyday that my perception of my life and how I feel inside of it, changes drastically from one day to the next. There are times when it is easy to succumb to laziness, wearing out the DVD's in my very large collection like its my job, and other days when I'd love nothing more than to just get out there and experience everything I've been missing out on. I keep thinking that I understand myself and the things I do in this one way, and then I go and surprise myself. I know that no one really knows who they are, and that this is the time in our lives when we're supposed to be figuring it out, but up until a few weeks ago, I thought I already knew. I thought I had everything all figured out and then it went and changed on me just like it always does.

I've realized that the constants in my life, the things I try to make into constants, rarely stay consistant, and it's the things that I forget about, the things that have been around so long that I don't even really consider them constants just, givens, that I realize are the most important things. That's when I realized, you can't make any thing, person, or action a constant. You can't force them into permanence, they just become that way, and usually once they do, you don't even realize you ever knew how to live without them, because it seems like common sense.

I've taken a lot of things in my life for granted, and I know that it's hurting me. I know that I haven't been the best anything lately, not the best friend, the best roommate, the best daughter, the best student, the best person, the best Laura. I'm not sure where I got off track or how I even let myself derail.

I don't really have any conclusions, no plans to fix everything and make it better. I'm just going to keep holding on as long as I can and hope that if I fall, someone is there to catch me.

Bad Things

The worst thing about bad things happening is you aren't prepared for them, usually. Sometimes things come totally out of the blue and completely shock you. They pull you below the surface and hold you hostage for as long as they want. You have no control, because the bad thing is what's in control. You forget what life was like before the bad thing, how happy you were, the things that could make you smile. You forget that things could ever be good and decent because they suddenly feel so horrible that you've forgotten what it means to have a 'good' day. And it's never something you get over in a few days or even a week. It's something that stays with you for months on end, that haunts you, that pops up everywhere you look, that takes every opportunity to look you in the face and say, this is what it's like to feel lonely, and this is what it's like to feel pain. And there's nothing you can do about it.