Daydreams

Is it weird that more often than not when I have daydreams they're about people dying? It's always that someone close to me dies and everyone around them turns to Humpty Dumpty and instead of ME being the one whose mourning, I'm the one putting everyone else back together. I feel like so much of my life is about putting other people back together, and most times there isn't anyone to do the same for me.

Who you trying to fool?

You're gonna fall apart
It's gonna break your heart
You're gonna know that you were wrong
Down to the boatyard you'll run
Like you did at your graduation
You're gonna miss her when she's gone

Who you trying to fool?

(Brett Dennen, "When She's Gone")

A Chaser

I'm starting to realize how truly different the things I want and the things I need are, and that they sometimes overlap, but often times do not. And to take things even a step further, maybe make this whole epiphany even more ironic, is that I desperately need things to want. I need goals and dreams and things to prey on. I need them like I need air, or water, or food, or shelter. It is among my list of necessities to need things I desire. Because when I am in true pursuit of something, when I am truly chasing and hunting the things I want, that's when I am truly me. It's when I'm in my element.

I am, and will always be, a chaser, a hunter, I will forever be chasing after some goal or anticipating some occurrence. I will always be counting down to something.