Electric

Lately I've been thinking a lot about electricity. Not so much about like outlets or light bulbs or kites being flown in the sky by old men with spectacles....not that kind of electricity. More like, the kind of electricity that exists between 2 people.

I consider electricity to be one of the most important factors of attraction. There are people in your life whom you will meet that you are simply drawn to by these forces completely outside of your own body. It's like something in them is pulling you closer, and something in you, which you don't even know exists, is pulling them closer. And it's just all so electric. It feels like a lightning bolt is shooting sparks back and forth between your chests, and you almost can't pull away. The force is too strong, and you aren't strong enough to overcome it. And you aren't able to hide the things you want to hide, and you can't say the things you want to say. You do the things you want to do because you want to do them, or you don't do them because the electricity is too intense it makes you nervous.

And even if these forces are working against the 2 people for example one is unable to hide things they want to hide while the other can't say things they want to say...which would cause some conflict, it still is undeniable that there is electricity. You both feel it, and you both can't move yourselves from that position. You have to have someone or something physically draw you away, because if it were up to you, you'd never move, you'd never leave.

Electric
I can feel it closing up
The space between
Forces inside of us
Pulling me to you
And pulling you to me

Across the room
Our eyes meet
Boy and girl
Trying to fight the force
The electricity

Feet move forward
We can only obey
Hands reach out
We do the things we want to do
We can’t fight it

Even if it’s wrong
We can’t fight it
Say what you want to say
Hide what you’re too afraid to say
It's out of our control

The words exchanged
The smiles given
It’s undeniable
Nothing can tear apart
The electricity

When I’m standing
With you
The electricity
Takes hold
Of everything.

I am a fan of Mysteries

I'm not a fan of fake things, things that pretend to be one thing and end up being something else, but I am a fan of mysteries. I'm a fan of those things that you can reexamine a million times, and never feel like you fully understand. Those things you can't wait to come back to, to spend time with, that take your breath away. I can't keep myself away from these things and these people.

I surprise myself with the way I act sometimes. I've always had this belief that all the things I want in life are all within my reach, mostly because they have been. As a kid I always got exactly what I wanted. I was stubborn and would cry if I didn't get my way, but now, I'm surprised at what I can do to seal the deal sometimes. It rarely ever takes crying, just some good honest perseverance.

And how honest I can make it all seem...because to me it isn't just about getting what I want, it's about conquering the rough times, about sticking with it, about not giving up hope.

And let's be honest, if hope is involved, you know I'm up for the challenge.

It

Have you ever just felt like you NEEDED to know someone? Like they just exhibit this energy and this spark of life that you can't help but want to be close to them?

I can't help myself.

What You Didn't Know

There are aspects of my life that no one really knows about. There are secrets that I keep from friends, and secrets that I keep from family. Some of these secrets overlap, some do not.

I do not accurately know the point of being too open, or being too closed. Sometimes people say I'm too open, but most that truly know me say I'm too closed. And if they don't know that, then they don't really know me.

Some people know a lot about me, and others don't, and for now, that's ok. This is how I like it. I like to surprise some and shock others. If people knew my secrets, they would get too cocky, too ahead of themselves when dealing with me. They might start to think they have a chance at understanding..when really, they don't.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgsT-klFnXY

Current Events

I know you are all curious about what's going on in my life, so here is a random compilation of useless information.

1. Little 500 is coming up soon, and I am getting so pumped for it. I am determined to make it the best Little 500 I've celebrated yet! (shouldn't be too hard)
2. I really just wish it was summer.
3. I really can't wait for camp this year.
4. I want to see the movies 500 Days of Summer,Away We Go and Harry Potter 6 Check out the trailors @ imdb.com
5. I schedule on Monday, and Jenny and I are signing up for tennis, so jacked!
6. Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson (gag) broke up recently! Sorry for Lindsay, :( but lucky for me ;-) haha, jk...well sort of
7. I have made this list of music I need to download, but haven't made much headway on it. Some of the artists include: Sigur Ros, The Flaming Lips, The National, Bob Dylan, The Decemberists, The Ting Tings, Carolina Liar, Angels & Thieves.
8. I am in love with Woodchuck.

This is really all I've got right now. I am also happy to report that I love life. I'm not sure I've ever been happier than I am right now.

I guess I'll wait

I knew it was just a matter of time for the bottom to fall out. I knew I just had to wait and it would happen without my really having to do anything. I felt only lukewarm about it for so long, which meant that it wasn't going to work. It's exactly what I was talking about a couple posts ago. I know I want to really feel things. For any normal person what we had would have been good and would have been enough but not for me. For me it has to extend far beyond just "good" and far beyond "enough". My expectations are so high, because they have to be. Honestly if I don't feel it in the first 5 minutes, I'm probably never going to feel it, and that's just a fact. It just has to be something so much deeper, so much more meaningful. It has to be so real and so undeniable that it slaps me in the face. That's just the way I am.

According to Copeland there's a love out there that transcends all that we know of ourselves....and I'm going to wait for that to come. I just have to be honest about what I need and what I want. I just have to keep holding on to hope that someday life will be amazing.

Across the Track Blues

In all the years I was in Jazz band, which was only 3, I only ever had one solo. It was my senior year and we played this song called "Across the Track Blues", which just tied in the year quite nicely as our marching show the fall before was 'All Aboard' (we're from Elkhart, we like trains).

When other kids were raising their hands begging for solos, I always kept my hands as close to the ground as possible. When the directors were looking through the group and choosing who they wanted to solo, their eyes never even went in my direction. I think it was just kind of this nice understanding I had with the directors, that I was no good at soloing, so they never called on me. To be completely honest, I really was no good at Jazz band. My place in the group was to serve as more of a leader, a good example, or a performer when it came to doing the stage stuff. I was a good poster face for the group, but definitely wasn't one of the better musicians on my instrument. I think everyone just agreed that I was better on the clarinet than on the saxophone, and that I was more of a concert band player than a jazz cat.

So it comes as no surprise to me that the one solo I did play, was on my clarinet. I had been dreaming of a jazz clarinet solo, and senior year I finally got one. We only ever performed the song once. Sadly I think the reason could have been that Mr. Peterson was worried my solo was just never consistent. Idk, it's whatever. It's probably better that way because I get totally freaked out when I have to solo.

We performed the song at a festival in Michigan State. I remember playing my solo the best I'd ever played it with the band, which was gratifying enough for me. I had to stand up when I played, which meant my legs were shaking, and I remember my parents were there. Afterwards our clinician was talking to us, giving us tips, blah blah....he did this sort of informally where all of our families and friends were also standing in this open foyer type thing, and then all of the sudden he asked "oh and who played that clarinet solo?" Reluctantly, I raised my hand. He was going to tell me I was out of tune the entire time, I just knew it. He was going to tell me I needed to work on it hardcore or else i would be ruining clarinet jazz solos for the entire jazz world..........but to my surprise, instead of telling me I sucked at life, the large Louis Armstrong looking man said to me with a big old smile on his face and a continual nodding of his head "That was reaaaal niiiiice, very niiiiice" And I blushed and everyone looked at me, and I remembered hoping my dad had heard it because I knew he'd be so happy.

The reason I bring all of this up is because #1, I was listening to Johnny Hodges and heard the song I had to do for my transcription project in jazz band senior year, and #2....because it's one of the only things in my life I can remember really enjoying that I wasn't that good at.

Usually I only ever do things if I'm good at them, or if in a short period of time I could be good at them. This has something to do with my very conscious desire to not want to look stupid and or to seem hopeless.

Do things because you love them, and not just because you look good doing them. I have had to figure this out the hard way, and it's biting me in the butt.

Here's the youtube link to the song, though it is not us playing it (we sounded much better)...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttJjdLvQrMQ

the girl kind of fucks it up at the end of the first part
when the saxs have their section the balance is way off
...and when she plays the high f# in the 2nd part it doesn't sound great at all, nor does the 2nd part in general, haha