Reflections On A Funeral

I wrote a different post right before this about my family (so if you read that too then you got a little extra taste), and suddenly decided it wasn't accurately reflecting my current emotional state. Here is the new version.

I remember my grandmother's funeral like it was yesterday. I seem to remember funerals very vividly. They are one of the types of memories that get stored in my brain most easily.

I remember the look on my father's face when I walked into the funeral parlor (I had just driven to South Bend all the way from Bloomington). He was so happy that I was there. As soon as he came within 3 feet of me the softness in his eyes began to melt. The tears formed a glassy lens over his eyes and a few of them made their way down to his cheeks. He hugged me. He told me how happy he was to see me, and right away, asked if I was ready to go see grandma. I quickly threw my belongings to my sister and made my way towards the front in my first pair of heeled shoes I had bought 3 days before (as though my legs weren't shaky enough). As we stood there staring down at her lifeless body, pictures flashed through my mind. It was like a digital photo frame going on hyperdrive and I saw every moment we had ever shared together. My father's tight hands on my arm squeezed, we hugged, and walked away. I wiped the tears from my eyes, and joined the rest of my family.

I remember the procession of people saying goodbye for the last time. I remember seeing that last person in line, my aunt Anita whom I hadn't seen in 4 years. A huge boquet of yellow roses was positioned to the side of the casket and just as my aunt Anita passed the boquet, a single yellow petal slowly fell to the ground. It was so beautiful in all its simplicity that it nearly took my breath away. It seemed the world was falling apart right in front of my eyes, and I was powerless to stop it.

I remember my dad and his sister and brothers walking up towards her casket to say goodbye for the last time, and I remember that I'd never seen my dad any sadder than I did that day (and my dad is really a pretty emotional guy if we're being honest). The thing that got me the most was not that I would be losing a grandmother, but that my father would be losing a mother.

And that is how it's always been. No one I was ever particularly close with has ever passed away, so my sorrow at funerals is always for those who are grieving. I grieve for the grievers. My level of personal distress becomes increasingly high, making it difficult to keep my composure in these extreme emotional situations. Maybe this is why I remember the details so well. They are so powerful, because they affect me so deeply. They make me feel real, and human again. They make me feel raw, and vulnerable. They make me feel like there are issues that exist outside of me, that are bigger than my own. And that, sadly, is something I need to be reminded of more often than twice a year.

The Future

It's been a long time since I've really thought about my future.

What am I supposed to do after I graduate? Find a job? Go back to school? Go into the Peace Corps? The one that seems most probable at this point is just going to school right after, just continuing on through, but is that what I really want to do?

Most of me just wants to be a junior in college forever. I don't want to ever let this feeling go. I feel like a lot of the things I enjoy doing now, I shouldn't do after I am no longer an undergraduate. I feel like after these first 4 years I need to be all grown up. I feel like I should be more mature than I really am, but I know that I don't want to.

I have a lot of interests that don't link to being a 21 year old. Both my room at home and my room at school are widely decorated with an array of posters ranging from Lindsay Lohan, Harry Potter, Transformers, The OC, and Zac Efron. I don't have adult rooms. I still watch the Disney channel and I dress like a 12-year-old a lot of the time. I eat like I'm 5 and I cook like I'm 16. My friends used to say I was like a 12-year-old boy. I just don't feel my age.

If we're being honest, this blog was basically about absolutely nothing. I ranted a bunch and said some random stuff, and if you took the time to read it, well then I'm deeply sorry.

Should I Act?

Right now I have a gut feeling, and I don't know if I should act on it. I always rush into these things, and don't give them the proper amount of time. Sometimes its something, sometimes its nothing. Sometimes it makes things worse, sometimes it makes things better! The biggest thing is, it requires me to take a chance, and I'm not sure if I want to do that, let alone if I'm ready to. And even if I did, I think now is way too soon.

Or is it never too soon? This is all very vague I know, but I don't want to lay out too many details because you never know whose reading this. I need to keep my sneaky face on, at least until I figure out of this is something or nothing.

Hopefully something, but I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Oh how I love the chase...makes me feel like I'm finally Lo again.

I'm Going to Be Okay ( I promise)

I'm gonna be honest with you, yesterday was the first day that I truly started to believe that things were going to be okay. Obviously I knew everything was going to be okay eventually, but sometimes when you're in those situations it's just hard to see the light.

For a really long time I've been toning myself down. So often I feel as though I'm just in self-monitor mode, but on overdrive. There are people I can be myself around, and people I can be a toned down version of myself around. What's my motive for doing this? Well fear of course. Fear of not living up to the expectations that other people have of me, fear of being rejected, fear of being a disappointment, fear of getting hurt. I'm just so darn afraid of what other people think, that it causes me to drastically alter my behavior at times.

I often think of myself in a binary way. I'm either this crazy, obsessed, compulsive, off the wall, fun-loving social butterfly, or I'm this incredibly shy, calm, quiet, and reserved little girl sitting in the corner with her hands folded perfectly in her lap. There are few times of course when I take up a position that is some sort of combination of the two of these. I'll be crazy, but not too crazy, or shy, but not too shy.

What I really want is for the rest of the world to see me as I want it to. I want to create an image and an essence for myself that is unchanging and undeniable. I want to be a legend in the minds of everyone whose ever met me. I want to be remembered for my quirkiness, admired for my good qualities, and known for my personality.

In the words of the Sandlot.... Heroes get remembered, but legends never die, and if you follow your heart, you can never go wrong.

When I Go Down

Lately I've been searching for an explanation as to why this situation I'm in is so hard for me, because it really shouldn't be. When you take all of the bits and pieces and set them down next to each other, it all makes perfect sense. I can rationalize the decision, and I can reason with it. Hell, I can even agree with it. But there are times when I can't think about the bits and pieces. There are times when all I can do is think about the glances, the smiles, and the touches. These are the things that I miss, because I wrapped my life in them so tightly.

And from this I'm beginning to understand, that when I go down, I go down hard. It doesn't matter what it is, how long it happened for, or who it involved. When something nasty happens in my life I jump into the deep end and I sink quickly to the bottom, and I never know when to come up for air. I get so used to things being exactly the way they are and change always turns my world upside down. I don't do well with transitions, and I don't do well with new.

That being said...It makes it easier when I just try to ignore it. When I just focus my mind on other things, it seems to get better, but is it only temporarily better? I feel I have no control over when and where these feelings will hit me. I could be grocery shopping and all the sudden they could take my hand and pull me to the bottom. I need someone to take me away from this empty apartment (figure of speech of course). I need someone to hold my hand and pull me to the top, because after all, I've never been a very good swimmer.

Rainy Day Women

Every time I'm in a bad mood, the one thing I know that will cheer me up is Seth Cohen. If we're being honest...he is the perfect man. He pretty much has the looks thing down pat, his sense of humor and wit are the best I've ever heard, and his eclectic taste in music, movies and more are right up there with the best of them. My goal in life ever since I first laid my eyes on him, was to meet MY very own, Seth Cohen, (or a boy who desperately values my opinions). I have tried and failed many times. I have found look-a-likes, and boys with the same similar quirkiness, but none that have stuck. I need someone who will stick. I need someone who can appreciate my quirks, because he understands that he has some of his own. I need someone who can support me emotionally, and I need someone who wants to.

I'm going to be honest with you every single time, so don't expect to be fooled by the words that you read. I promise to keep it real, if you promise to keep your mind open.

Can't wait to get to know you, new blog.